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Checking out Slate for their sports section is probably akin to checking the Village Voice for box scores, but when they do appear, and when I stumble across them, the stories are usually interesting and not the typical, repetitive views you find in the hometown papers or embedded in ESPN propaganda. A couple recent stories worth reading while trying to avoid yet another "funny" story on Bill Cowher's chin:

Jack Shafer looks at Daniel Synder buying up Washington area radio stations in a continuing effort to build up his team-based media and piss off the Washington Post. Certainly Synder isn't the only owner doing this, nor is it confined to football. In Boston this has been a hot topic especially since the Globe, part owners in the Sox through the NY Times, are increasingly seen as a team mouthpiece. As a fan, I have little sympathy for journalists who whine about access and objectivity as if in constantly covering the team they are able to hold onto perfect objectivity. Let's get real. The more information the better, in my book. I'm happy to rely on my own bullshit detector to weed out the team propaganda.

Bill Gifford looks at Bode Miller's recent comments, the skiing scene and the hypocritical US Ski Team. Personally, it's the overblown sensationalism that the media pimps these stories that forces more and more athletes to spew glassy-eyed cliches. Too bad.

Timothy Noah, in the face of the recent spate of warm and fuzzy books on coaches, looks at reader horror stories about their old athletic coaches. I had the classic tough love basketball coach in high school, but except for apoplectic outbursts and a keen desire to make at least one guy throw up per week. Come to think of it, Coach could probably write a diet bestseller these days, The High School Practice Diet. There's a reason I'm 35 pounds heavier now. Well, no overweight Italian coach belittling my self-esteem and the easier access to beer.

This sucks. No baseball. No football. What can I write about? College Basketball? Ok, here goes. Adam Morrison is good and has a moustache. J.J. Reddick, also good. Texas lost this weekend, baby. Oklahoma was super awesome baby! There. Now what? The NBA? Kobe scored 30 on Sunday. Lebron is better, maybe. Whatever. NHL? They wear skates. No one cares. I mean, there's nothing to talk about other than Jerome Bettis. I wish ESPN would make something up already. Although their big story today was, "this year's Super Bowl stories are boring." Wow. No shit? Really. Way to make a bold statement. That, of course, translates to "Can someone please bitch slap coach or contract gonnhorea before Sunday? Thanks." Ah well. It's gonna be a slow news week. Might as well tackle some of the most "interesting" stories of the past few days.

Mike Piazza heads west. Look at that, Mr. Pert Plus is going to San Diego. Huge fantasy implications if this were 1999. I mean, his going to the Padres means, well, nothing. San Diego is saying that Piazza can catch whenever he wants, which must make their current catcher feel like a real champion. "Hey, Piazza can catch whenever he wants because the guy we've got now, oh man, what an asshole." But I tell you what, if Piazza grows back the moustache and adds, say, frosted tips to it, I'm buying the replica jersey. There's celebrity. There's legendary. But when you add frosted tips on a moustache ... that's hero, my friends. Hero.

Roger Federer is a tennis player. You may have heard of him. Probably not. He's only the greatest tennis player since Pete Sampras, and could quite possibly be considered one of the best ever. He has won 7 of the last 11 Grand Slam tournaments. (Yes, just like baseball, very good). Oh, he sometimes wears a headband too, which is awesome. He hits the ball hard and makes everyone look silly. He also discovered the guava. Ok, he didn't discover it, per se, but he was walking through a jungle with the scientists who found it and he said, "Dudes, you should call that a guava." And they were like, "Yeah, like, totally." Ok, that's not true. But he was integral in the discovery of the woman's insole. Whatever. Just look him up. He's pretty good.

Favre might (not) retire. "If I had to pick right now and make a decision, I would say I'm not coming back." But, um, he's not making the decision right now. He's making the decision later. At which point he'll say he's coming back and everyone will go, "Oh wow. He's coming back. Who saw that coming? La-la-la." And then from the back of the room, Aaron Rodgers will say, "I did." Then he'll hang his head, kick the dirt and continue to weep softly into his scrapbook of high school clippings.

In other news, Tiger won. Coco Crisp is growing his hair out. And random white NFL assistants are being made head coaches while random white NFL head coaches are being made examples of. And well, whatever.

There are very few things worse than a tooth ache, which I'm suffering from right now. Shaving my genitals with a chainsaw would probably be a more pleasant experience. Sure it's just your run-of-the-mill failed root canal/grotesque infection that a little oral surgery (hehe) can fix. But it's still enough to make one want to hurl themselves off of a battleship. Anyway, I had a nice little post planned for today. It involved witty prose and a turned phrase or two. Instead, you'll get some links. Don't worry, they're worth your time, as always. Oh, they may not be exactly sports related either, but fun nonetheless. I'll be back on Monday with some of the typical, waste-of-time, nonsensical sports chatter and dick jokes. Until then, enjoy.

Ok, I've been a Chris Parnell fan for a while. Even before his recent resurgence in popularity thanks to the Chronicles of Narnia song. Here's an old clip from SNL where Chris Parnell raps about Kirsten Dunst. Two words: "hilarious".

I recently received a free, Gillette Fusion in the mail the other day. Apparently, It is a razor with 5 blades. That's right, 5!!! And yes, yes, I understand, doing a "how many blades do we need" joke is the equivalent of a "why don't they make the whole plane out of black box" joke. But trust me, this article breaks down razors the right way.

Why is Sly in the water business, you ask? Because "There is absolutely nothing on earth more important for keeping us alive than water." - Sylvester Stallone. I wish I was making this up.

And finally, some sports links. Here is a two-part episode (Part 1 and Part 2) of Ali G interviewing David Beckham and Victoria "Posh" Spice. A'ight.

What to write, what to write. Greg was supposed to handle posting duties today, but thanks to a steady diet of Crystal Light and Sour Patch Kids his root canal got infected and his whining irritated me so much I had to yank the tooth out with the pronged end of a hammer. He's now unconscious next to my desk clutching his script for a Voltron and Snorks crossover cartoon spectacular. I think the Globetrotters were involved as well. So thanks to his inability to stay off the smack, I'm left in the lurch to fill the posting void. A couple of sports related things I've enjoyed recently. Don't worry, nothing involving cycling since that didn't seem to light anyone's fire.

Sports Night
If there were any justice in the television world, Sports Night would have had a longer run. C'mon, if Charmed can run for almost a decade, surely a show as well written, touching and funny as Sports Night could last a bit longer than two-ish seasons. Still, at least we have that much. Unfortunately it's original run happened when traditional sitcoms still ruled and I get the feeling that ABC just didn't know what do with the show. It's sort of a drama/comedy that doesn't easily fit any mold (the laugh track is jarring in the first couple eps before they dropped it). It would probably be more successful if it aired now. It's interesting to watch Sorkin's story telling and trademark dialogue style develop into the Emmy nominated form that dominated the early West Wing years. In a lot of ways the half hour slot seems to work better for him. Distills the diatribes, rants and preachiness to a lower decibel level and forces him to keep the narrative cranking. I'm halfway through the six discs from NetFlix and highly recommend checking it out. Don't let the sports word scare you, the show only tangentially references sports and revolves much more around the characters lives and the machinations it takes to get a SportsCenter style show on the air. Word is Sorkin will return to television with another backstage dramedy, this time an SNL style sketch show, in late '06 or '07.

Mike & Mike in the Morning radio show
Perhaps I've been bludgeoned so long from WEEI in Boston that I've lost all perspective on sports radio, but I've come to really like their morning show. Now that they moved the dreck called Cold Pizza back to 10 am (why not just admit the mistake and cancel it?), I'm once again enjoying Mike and Mike as part of my morning routine on ESPN2. Yes, some of their "gimmicks" are a bit overproduced, but the discuss a wide variety of sports (not just Sox or Pats), get a national assortment of guests and rarely does the discussion dissolve into shouting and backbiting. If ESPN Boston would just invest in an actual signal, I'm convinced they could take the more intelligent listeners away from Dennis&Callahan, which I've found unlistenable for the last few years.

Unfinished Business by Jack MacCallum
I grew up rooting for the Celtics, but their 1980s renaissance took place mainly during my single digit years. I cheered them on, rooted for Larry and hated the Lakers. But I didn't read the papers, scour the Internet or critique personnel moves. A loss was a shrug then back to elaborate GI Joe battles or baking Shrinky Dinks. It wasn't till the end of their run, the early nineties, that I was a full blown sports obsessive. Thankfully, MacCallum's book fills in some of these blanks, at least for the 90-91 season. His day in the life book follows the team from training camp to their ultimate playoff loss to the Pistons. It's remarkable in its intimacy. You really feel like you were there at the end of it. As if you could walk up to McHale and joke about the crazy lady that interrupted your chess game at that diner in Salt Lake. And McHale is the true star of the book. The Sports Guy was right, it is criminal that he is not on television. He's smart, insightful and damn funny. If I had one complaint it would be the book is a bit dated and takes for granted some knowledge of the NBA in the early nineties. I found myself googling a bunch of players, either to remember or find out what happened to them. Still NBA fans and Celtics fans, in particular, would really enjoy this book.

So with the Pats out of it for the first time in a few years, I find myself with no real vested interest in who wins this Super Bowl. On the plus side I don't need to spend twenty minutes trying to explain to Mrs Pak that yes, I really do want my red Morgan Stanley jersey dry cleaned. I will also probably be able to make it through the whole game without popping Zantec like Pez to preserve my stomach lining. Then again, I'm a sports fan and having a rooting interest definitely makes watching the game more interesting. Making snide comments about Tom Jackson, Aaron Neville and Detroit can only go so far. I'm thinking early second quarter. Still I find myself stymied on this one. Choosing between Pittsburgh and Seattle is like weighing the merits of a new episode of Two and a Half Men and re-run of Evening Shade. So in the tradition of working out my issues on the Internet, I'm going to lay out my thinking in how to best choose a team to root for in this Super Bowl.

Gambling - The easy way out. Lay down some money on one team or the other and feel the ulcer start to percolate. Too bad I make Silas Marner look like a spendthrift and have Jesus as my co-pilot. No gambling for me, so this one is less helpful than asking Greg for the state capitals. Advantage, None.

Team Rivalry - Does one of the teams have a heated rivalry with your hometown team? That counts Seattle out and the way the Pats have abused Pittsburgh in recent years, I don't harbor that much ill will. Maybe a little. Too bad the Yankees aren't playing. Slight advantage, Seattle.

Geography - Have you or your family spent significant time in one of the cities/states? Enough time that you started reading the papers, watching the games, threatening the coach's life and thrown at least one thing against the wall. I'd say maybe three years at a minimum. I've never set foot in Seattle. I do have family in Philadephia, which led to some bitter phone calls last year, but doesn't help me much this year. Advantage, None.

Terrell Owens Rule - Are any of the prominent players involved former players for your team? This could go either way. Was he a fan favorite that got the salary cap ax or did he hold the team hostage and force his way to a better situation. Nothing to help me here. My hatred for Chad Eaton has waned over the years. Advantage, None.

Ray Bourque Rule - I'm still trying to forget the ridiculousness of the Bourque to Colorado to Stanley Cup to Boston parade nonsense. Does anyone involved appear to be a nice guy on his last legs in his last shot at the proverbial brass ring. Perhaps overweight, balding, a step slow and prone to forgetfulness? I'll admit a soft spot for Bettis and not just because I find the constant attention his "balletic feet" continue to receive amusing. I mean just once I want some television guy to call him fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Kool-Aid cartoon man fat. Advantage, Pittsburgh.

College Connection - Did you go to school or share an alma mater with any of the players and feel a yearning nostalgic pride for the old days when his name is called? I once took a Music of the Worlds class with Matt Hasselbeck at BC. Advantage, Seattle.

Underdog - Are the Cubs playing? Are either of the teams severe underdogs? Have tragic operatic histories? Does either team hale from a city that just needs a break? A friendly morale boosting shoulder punch? Pittsburgh hasn't been the same since they broke up US Steel, but they had their day in the sun back in the 70s. It rained for a month straight in Seattle and they've never won anything except the World's Fair. Advantage, Seattle.

Coaches - Does either of the coaches make you feel especially icky or remind you of your militant sixth grade gym teacher? Cowher definitely has that militant thing going, but Holmgren reminds me of Mr. Belvedere. Hmm, not sure where I'm going with this. Advantage, None.

Unexplainable Dislike - Do you just not like certain players for no quantifiable or discernible reason. Happens to the best and most fair minded of us. I just can't stand Eric Byrnes, Roberto Alomar (pre-spit), Jeremy Roenick, Davis Love III, Baron Davis and Stephon Marbury. In this case, I have taken a certain dislike to Alexander for no real reason other than tic-tac sized gap in those teeth, then again the media's constant champagne and kisses commentary on Polamalu haven't helped him in my book. But the tipping point in this case might Ben Roethlisberger's Fathead commercial. Besides the completely ridiculous nature of the product itself, the commercial just makes me want to tear out my eyelashes one by one. Advantage, Seattle.

In conclusion, impariality can indeed be rationalized. In between Budweiser commercials, Madden non sequiturs and anxiously awaiting the results of The Sprint Super Bowl With the Rolling Stones Sweepstakes ('I LOVE YOU MICK'), it looks like I'll be rooting for Seattle to win it's first championship.

So, it's no secret that the NBA and I don't exactly go hand-in-hand. After Jordan retired for the 5th or 6th time and Don Nelson, with his stapled-on hairdo, single-handedly ruined the Golden State Warriors, I pretty much called it quits. I think that around that time, a lot of people did. The NBA went into their own little blue period and while interest in the league has emphatically resurfaced, mine hasn't. Sure, I've tried to get back into it. I read websites and magazines. I root for the Celtics (lucky me). I even watch the occasional game. But it's tough to go all in. And by "tough", I mean, "I don't want to". With so much of my time spent following baseball and football, coupled with the fact that the game just doesn't interest me as much as it did "back in the day", it's difficult to care. Of course, I'm no basketball retard. My knowledge stays conversational. I mean, I know Alonzo Mourning isn't on the Hornets anymore. Chris Paul is good. And Earl Boykins is one of the most dominant big-men in the game. My interest in the specifics of the league comes and goes. But there is something I do know, something I remember from way back when ... scoring 81 points, that's, like, almost 100.

But here's the thing. Nowadays, we're constantly inundated with so much information that events like this don't seem as exciting or as monumental anymore. Everywhere you look, you're surrounded by score tickers, real-time updates, fantasy leagues box scores, numbers, stats, stats about stats, stats about numbers, 24 hour sports highlights and endless "analysis" by talking heads who ramble on with statments and predictions stumbling clumsily from their lips on a daily basis. So to be honest, when I first heard the news, the 81 points, my reaction was a somewhat indifferent, "Oh, that's kinda cool." Which, if you think about it, is ridiculous. 81 points. Seriously, 81. Scored by one person in a game. And I'm thinking, "Oh, that's kinda cool?" That's what you say when your friend shows you a card trick, or a naked picture of his mom. Not when you're a huge sports fan and something happens that no one in your general age demographic has ever seen. And maybe it's because records fall seemingly everyday. The impossible topped by the even more impossible (73 HR's anyone?). So maybe we sports fans are desensitized to the greatness of these moments. And sometimes the scope of that individual achievment is tough to grasp. But when you stop and think, I mean, really, just think about it for a second, 81 points ... in a game ... that is incredible.

Of course, this feat has the honorable distinction of being the rare combination of jaw dropping, awe inspiring and slightly pathetic all at once. Because while it was one of the most dominant single performances in a game, let's not lose sight of the fact that this was an individual performance in a team game. I'm not quite sure what Kobe was trying to accomplish, other than maybe score 100. And hey, the Lakers won, so no problem. But what does that say about the larger picture of the Lakers? Or the Raptors defense? Or Kobe? He's long been dubbed a selfish player and this doesn't help. But you know what? This is what Kobe wanted. He wanted a team to "lead" himself. To emerge from the rather large shadow that was Shaq-Fu. To show the world that, "Hey everyone, look, no, over here, I'm the next Michael Jordan. No, seriously. Hi." Which is sad, because he never will be. Instead of trying to start his own legacy, it seems like he's trying to follow in the footsteps of someone else's. But he's doing it all wrong. Jordan didn't lead by dropping 81. Sure he took over a game. But when it mattered. And hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Kobe doesn't even know who Jordan is. Maybe he just wants to start new. He wants everyone to forget the past and start fresh. But what he needs to realize is that to get to where he wants to be, he needs his team. And until he sees that, Bryant is doing himself and the Lakers a disservice.

Regardless of the motives there is no denying that this was one of the most dominating individual performances in sports history. Now, the next step is for ESPN and others to ask (repeatedly) not "Will Kobe score 100?" but "When will Kobe score 100?" Because there's always got to be something bigger. Always something better. That's what makes sports what it is today. Congratulations. Now can you do it again? But it would be nice if we could marvel at this accomplishment just a little bit without asking what the sequel will be like. Maybe we can even go a day without two "experts" yelling at each other on national television, putting it all into perspective for us.

"I THINK HE'LL SCORE 100!"

"I DON'T THINK HE WILL!"

Hmm, insightful. Yeah, thanks for that.

So, um, yeah. Awesome. Steelers vs. Seahawks. Yay, parity! I mean, you know, two good teams, should be a good game, blah blah. But unless you're a fan of either, it's pretty tough to get excited about this matchup. There's no suspense or drama, really, other than your general, run of the mill, most-popular-day-in-sports sort of thing. The Patriots couldn't win again. The Colts already blew it. No Bears. No Favre. No Vick. No Sex Boat. No drunk Joe Namath. And no Melissa Stark. So what's the point of playing, you ask? Wondering that myself. But you know what? I'm sure the brilliant minds at ESPN are concocting a few stories fueled by speculation and stupidity to run endlessly for the next two weeks to make it "interesting". My money is on "will Shaun Alexander return to Seattle?" and "Is Ben Reothlesberger in the same class as Tom Brady." Oh boy. Can't wait. Just for fun, they should throw in a few relevant ones like, "What's the story with Stuart Scott's eye?", "Who would win in a fight, John Clayton or Kevin Rounce?" and "Sean Salisbury: An Introspection into Stupidity."

Actually, the biggest subplot will probably be Jerome Bettis. We'll see a lot of highlights. Hear interviews, testimonials and I hear there will be a 90 minute highlight show narrated by Chris Berman sound effects. Can't wait. And as far as Bettis goes, he seems like a nice guy and I'm actually happy for him. Not that I really have any reason to be, other than my own tender sense of humanity. I mean, it's not like I'm friends with him or anything. It's not like he'd come over and we'd play Contra or lob bags of urine at old people. In fact, I've never even met him. And if I did, what would we even talk about? I'd be all like, "Um, hello. Mr. Bus. Hi." Then he'd be like, "Sup?" and I'd be like, "Um, I hear you have asthma." And he'd be like, "Yeah. What about it?" And I'd be like, "Dude, that sucks." And he'd be all like, "Yeah". Then I'd be all like, "Do you want to see my sticker collection? This one here is a sailboat. That one is a foosball table." and he'd be like, "What?", and I'd be all like, "I don't know, I'm just happy for you." And he'd be all like, "Can you let go of my shoe?" Then I'd be all like, "Seriously?" and he'd be like, "Yeah." Then we'd laugh and laugh and then we'd be pen pals.

So, yeah, who knows. This could turn out to be the greatest Super Bowl ever. Probably not though. But I tell you what would be awesome. If Seattle gets beat, the camera suddenly pans to an exasperated Dikembe Mutombo lying on his back in the endzone, under the goalpost, clutching the ball with both hands over his head, crying. Maybe even a quick shot of a dejected Gary Payton walking away with his hands on his hips. Then a quick cameo of Shawn Kemp at home surrounded by his 39 children. I mean, is that too much to ask?

Allegedly, the NFL season is not over yet. So I suppose I'll go on with my typically poor job of "predicting" this week's winners. Thus far this postseason I am a sparkling 3-5. But what's really impressive has been my success in picking the AFC games. You ready for this? ... Ready? ... 0-4. Thank you. I am awesome. Seriously, I totally understand the game of football. I actually got an email from by friend Brian this week, a huge Steelers fan, and all it said was, "Please pick the Broncos." Anyway, as hilarious as this intro has been, let's get serious. Prediction time.

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Denver Broncos- It's kind of hard to believe that after beating the Bengals and the Colts, that the Steelers will have any problems getting by the Broncos. I know that Denver is, like, so totally awesome at home. But they haven't really done anything that impressive all season. Think about it. Aside from their record, what have they done that's so great? They a relatively unspectacular team who runs the ball effectively, has an above average D and plays generally mistake-free football. Wonderful. Totally exciting. They're a lot like the Pats of old, with a much weaker defense, no grey sweatshirt and no Tom Brady. In their defense, Plummer does have the moustache and Shanahan has that "don't let him babysit your kids" look to him. But I don't think it'll be enough. Pittsburgh's D is nasty von nasty. Porter and Polamalu laugh in the face of high altitude. And Ben Roethsliesbjsuerger is looking to get some of that Tom Brady poontang. Prediction: Steelers

Carolina Panthers @ Seattle Seahawks- For a few months, everyone's been talking about how good the Seahawks were. I never bought into it. And I still haven't. Surely, it takes a real team to beat Arizona twice, Houston, Philadelphia, the Rams twice and, of course, San Francisco in two hard fought blowouts. I heard they also pushed retarded kids out of their wheelchairs and punched blind people in the face, allegedly. I mean, come on. It's like they got to make their own schedule this year. Should they make the Super Bowl? Well, no. But on the flip side, Carolina is banged up. Sure they have Super Steve, but Seattle now has a blueprint of exactly how not to play them on defense (sigh). I mean, really, I could care less who wins. But as far as predictions go, Thomas Jones had no problems running on Carolina. I imagine the gap-toothed wonder will have similar success. And let's not forget, the Panthers are about as streaky as Tom Brunansky. Which Carolina team shows up? Then again, this is a Mike Holmgren coached team. But the Panthers are relying on Nick Goings. Then again, the Seahawks are relying on Matt Hasselbeck. So who wins the Super Bowl runner up sweepstakes? Prediction: Seahawks

Enjoy the games. If that's possible.

Ok, my intensive ninja training has kept me away from the Blah for most of the week. Today was no different, hence the late post. See all day, me and the other ninjas worked on "stealth kicks" and "train training", where we practiced combating foes on an actual, moving locamotive. Odd, but certainly useful. And while I'd love nothing more than to enterain you all, it's late, I have coal on my ninja outfit thingy (from, you know, the train ... because, um, coal jokes = comedy gold) and I need a drink. So I'm just gonna sit you all in front of the tv this evening while the wine coolers soothe my pain. It's either that, nothing, or biting commentary on the Lions new head coach. Mmmmm, that would be compelling. Anyway, you'll like these.

Ok, please, please, please watch this Tom Brady Sexual Harasment skit (ads possibly nsfw) from Saturday Night Live. It is hilarious. You may piss your pants. Not a lot. I'm talking about that little, mini piss-propulsion that fires out when you let your guard down for a second. You know what I mean. In reality, the amount is negligable, but there's still the undeniable fact that you kinda-sorta pissed your pants. You check the front of your slacks every 5 seconds hoping none seeped through. One second, relaxation. The next second, high piss pants alert. Anyway, my point is, this skit is funny.

The Sports Pulse has done an amazing job compiling video clips of Chad Johnson's TD celebrations from this season. I still don't think anything has beaten T.O.'s "Sharpie" extravaganza. But a lot of these come close, that clever, gold-toothed bastard.

Ok, in a non-sports related post, this is one of my favorite Family Guy clips from this season. So tough to pick just one, I know. But this is all I could get for now. Remember, it's wine cooler time.

That's all. NFL playoff picks up on Friday.

Lance Armstrong's War is a very good book, serving as much as an introduction to the world of pro cycling as it does to Lance Armstrong and the Tour. After a steady diet of Al Trautwig and OLN propaganda the last couple years, most Americans are probably familiar with the thumbnail sketch of Armstrong and if the book falls short anywhere it is in breaking any new ground on the seven time champ. It flushes out or confirms some details, but otherwise Armstrong remains a larger than life,intimidatingg figure haunting the book more than being revealed by it. Not that this is a bad thing, really. Turns out cycling has enough eccentricities on its own to more than fill up a book.

Ostensibly the book is a day in the life account of Armstrong as he trains then competes in the 2004 Tour de France. I'm pretty sure we all know how it turned out by this point, so the book is really more about the journey than the end result. Coyle follows Postal from the start of training in Girona right through to the conclusion of the Tour in Paris. Along the way we meet integral members of Postal's support team, both the domestiques that will help and protect Armstrong during stage races to the coaches, mechanics, rock star girlfriends, goombahs, Tour rivals and one seriously infamous trainer. It is in these chapters and small asides about the people that inhabit Armstrong's orbit that the book finds its legs. Coyle's magazine background (former Outsider writer/editor) is evident in the way he can cleanly and quickly get readers up to speed on a variety of cycling topics from bike frame minutiae to in race tactics to Armstrong's BlackBerry.

One thing that was surprising to me was just how scientific the sport has become. I knew bikes and aerodynamics were studied and tweaked. What I didn't realize was how far the study and measure of the riders themselves had progressed. You could splice any Tour rider's practice footage with Drago's treadmill training sequences in Rocky IV and no one would blink an eye. It's gotten to the point where trainers basically have a threshold number that a rider needs to hit (there was a graph, watts and rider weight involved then my eyes glazed over) in order to have a shot at winning the Tour.

The book doesn't shy away from the doping and performance enhancing drugs so prevalent in cycling (sort of accepted in Europe as a given), but nor does it come to any real conclusions. One of the biggest revelations in the book is probably just how close Armstrong's relationship was to Dr. Michele Ferrari, a trainer nicknamed Dr. Evil, for his rumored (he was never convicted or sanctioned till late in 2004) checkered past. But there is nothing in the book to hint that he did anything illegal with Armstrong or other Postal riders. In fact, after being the wise training voice through the book, it comes as a bit of a shock when Ferrari's trial is given only a brief perfunctory mention towards the end. Not to mention Tyler Hamilton's subsequent doping situation, a strong Armstrong rival that gets significant attention, almost all positive, in the book.

Another eye opener was just how out there the insular world of cycling is. During high school, one of the guys I drove to school was a wrestler. Between watching the ends of their practices while waiting for basketball to start and listening to his stories and witnessing the weight loss techniques (which as far as I could tell involved mainly dehydration, wretching and an apple), I thought wrestlers were pretty much the oddest and most self-masochistic bunch in sports. Without mentioning the singlets, risk of cauliflower ear or performing moves referred to as 'riding a flat man' or 'near-arm-crotch-pry breakdown'.

Well it turns out cyclists pretty much put wrestlers to shame. Take the spandex and weight loss from wrestling (One telling quote in the book is a rider's wife commenting that she knows the Tour is close when she can start to see her husband's organs. Um, yeah.), throw in peeing off your bike, 200 mile rides, routine broken backs and hundreds of superstitions, including not walking anywhere (my personal favorite) and you start to get the picture about pro cyclists. Superstitions, eccentricities and pain are the unquestioned norm.

In the end, Lance Armstrong's War is a solid and engaging book, especially for cycling neophytes, even if the title character remains resolutely in the shadows. To its credit, what is revealed isn't just the shiny spokesperson image Armstrong cultivates. In fact, despite admiring his accomplishment, I got the impression I probably would really dislike Armstrong as a person. Read enough biographies of famous people, whether they are soldiers, athletes, presidents, warriors or poets and almost all of them have a distinct trait: an almost pathological stubborn determination. Despite the complexities people want to find or pin to Armstrong, it really seems that simple in Armstrong's case. He makes a decision and that is that. There is no looking back, no second thoughts. You cross him once, he'll cross you forever. Even if he turns out to be wrong, Armstrong will piss into a headwind and adamantly tell you he's right. And God help you if you disagree. In a sport that rewards pain threshold and endurance, Armstrong's trick is that he simply will not stop till he kicks everyone's ass.

Does anyone else find the NFL Network commercial, the one with the montage of pre-season predictions, a little odd in the blatant shot it takes at Drew Rosenhaus? I mean, I don't necessarily disagree, but it seems a bit out of character for a such a buttoned up league to cut loose like that. I mean they didn't go with a generic "his agent", but came right out with his name. Now maybe it was all tongue in cheek, nudge nudge to the ribs or maybe it was Paul giving Drew the ole' corporate middle finger. I'm guessing the latter. Of course, I get the feeling Rosenhaus is in the Cuban school of any pub is good pub, but I can only hope more players wake up, like Javon Walker, and dump the guy as that is the only way it will really get through to him. Still, a sort of odd and amazing precedent for the NFL to set. Anyway, next question.

Much like all the bad karma seemed to catch up to the Patriots in Saturday's loss, all of sudden the once stable crop of coaches and coordinators are now apparently standing in quicksand. I'm pretty sure everyone expected Mangini to leave at some point, but probably not this soon. With Belichick, Saban and now Mangini, the AFC East's down period may not last for too long. Even with the abrupt end to this season, I think the Pats, while not on the upside of the hill, are definitely not sliding helplessly back to the pack. If they can stay relatively healthy, avoid any Chris Canty-like draft decisions and rebound from last year's rather putrid free agent mistakes, I think they have two to three more years left before the unavoidable pull of parity drags them back under. And a small silver lining from the playoffs? Ben Watson. Um, yeah, he's gonna be a force.

So, you know Deadspin's Why Your Hometown Columnist Sucks feature? Yeah, amp that up by about a 1000% and you start to get the idea of BSMW's recent diatribe about Boston Globe columnist Ron Borges. To their credit, it is very well researched. And well deserved.

You wonder if it wouldn't have just been better for Peyton to shove his teammates under the bus where it probably would have been chalked up to frustration, rather than slowly, carefully and calculatedly (is that a word?) lay the blame at his O-line's feet. And really, what's the point of the NFL admitting that the refs got the call wrong?

The top ten non-Super Bowl upsets.

Bryan Smith of Baseball Analysts has his WTNY 2006 prospect list up. Always an interesting and well researched read.

Are baseball stats historical fact or intellectual property. A St. Louis court will rule this summer in a case that could have far reaching consequences for fantasy sport sites.

At THT, Steve Treder visits the Negro League Museum in Kansas City and looks at baseball's evolving relationship with the league.

So in a recent column Bill Simmons went off on Doc Rivers and requested someone dig up some stats to back him up. Well, 82games did and the numbers aren't good for the Celtics, but not as bad as Bill probably thought. Interesting tables on the league's blown leads/comebacks and who has the best "crunch time" team.

Yoco Hoops wonders if Pittsburgh 2006 = Boston College 2005?

And after 57 hours, Duke defeats UNC 3,688-3,444.

Ugh. That sucked. Totally, totally sucked. On the bright side it was a better season than I ever expected. On the flip side, that's what makes it worse. Why?

Ok, imagine having no ears, nose, half a scalp and one leg. You're at a party and no one really pays attention to you. 3 out of the first 4 girls you talk to want nothing to do with you. Just another crappy party again, you think. Then suddenly, out of the blue ... Heidi Klum starts flirting with you. You're like, "Wha...? Me? Really?" But you're thinking, eh, this won't last. Next thing you know, she's calling you. In fact, in a 17 week span, she calls you and invites you over 10 times. You guys talk, laugh, make out. It's great. You don't believe it. Where did this come from? On the 18th week, she flies off to Fiji for a shoot and you relax, rest, get pumped up. Hey, you earned it. Because on the 19th week, you know, it's sexy time. She comes back and promises you the wildest sex of your disfigured life (and it's free). So there it is. You're all ready to go. You've got your doubts, like "I think I'm dreaming" and "I hope she really has a vagina", but you don't worry about that. You're about to do it ... you're so close ... And then, without warning, you slip and fall to the ground twice while covering Steve Smith, and it's all over. Just like that. You never expected it to happen. You kinda knew it was too good to be true. But you hoped. And well, now it's time for baseball.

So, yeah, now I'm stuck watching 4 teams I could give a flying blast of diarrhea about. Awesome. And what makes it worse is I can't stand the Seahawks. Which means I have to choose between rooting for the Panthers to win, or rooting for them to catch syphillus then get attacked by alligators. At this point, it's a toss up.

But hey, let's put things into perspective. The Bears may have lost the game, but mark my words: They have not lost their awesomeness. In fact, it's just the begining. This was a preview of things to come. You think Luke became a Jedi overnight? Did He-Man defeat Skeletor in one day? Did that kid who played Fez on that 70's Show get into Lindsay Lohan's pants in one afternoon? No. Their awesomeness grew over time. You think the Bears were good this year? You just wait. You'll be hiding under your bed by Week 7 next year. I'll probably post about it here on SportsBlah later in the week.

Until then, I think all of us Bears fans can enjoy a little laugh, amidst (temporary) defeat with this hilarious clip of Jake Delhomme trying to celebrate victory with the rest of the team.

I won't bore you all with excuses as to why my predictions weren't up Friday. I mean, who cares that I spent all day Thursday as Mario Van Peebles body double during love scenes with Melissa Joan Hart in his new action flick "Rugged Heat Pump"? And who cares that I had to fly to New York yesterday to then be the body double for Nick Nolte in a Lifetime mini-series involving a woman, a dog and a scarf lost in Brazil. None of that is important. Why? It's football time. Let's get to the Round 2 predictions.

Panthers @ Bears- Ding, ding... You hear that? That's the awesome bus. And the Bears are driving it. Why? Because they're awesome. More awesome than you. More awesome than your team. More awesome than a 50-foot Voltron made up of ninjas, sharks and unicorns. And they're coming for you Carolina. They're gonna fingerpaint with your mom, tickle your dad and kick your pretty little NFL team in the face. So get ready to be defeated. Because that's what the Bears do. They defeat, soundly. Lock your doors and bring your mittens, because the forecast calls for a 100% chance of annihilation. Someone's gonna feel the cool breeze of ass-whooping on Sunday. And Carolina, that someone is you. Prediction: Bears.

Washingtong Redskins @ Seattle Seahawks- "Sheriff Gonna Getcha", "Dollah Bill", "Reverend Gon Change", "Inspector 2-2", "Coach Janky Spanky". This week, a costumeless Portis as self-proclaimed "Hot Stuff". No costume for Portis means no inspiration for the Redskins. No inspiration for the Redskins means no way to stop the gap-toothed wonder. No way to stop the gap-toothed wonder, no chance. Prediction: Seahawks.

New England Patriots @ Denver Broncos- I always pick the Patriots to lose because it's fun to be wrong all the time. They will probably lose a playoff game sometime in the next 20 years. But that sometime isn't today. See, Tom Brady is a walking ball of awesomeness who can impregnate women with his stare. How can you pick against that? Prediction: Patriots.

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Indianapolis Colts- Imagine a grown with no arms playing with a wolverine. He plays, laughs, fills with joy. You watch, eat chips and know it won't end well. But an hour goes by, the man is intact and everything is fine. The impossible looks like it might happen. Then, out of nowhere, without warning, he gets hit by a train. The Colts are the train. The man, Pittsburgh. The wolverine, random. His lack of arms, boating accident. This one won't even be close. Prediction: Colts.

Enjoy the games.

They'll be up Saturday morning. Until then, here's a brief preview.

Final Score:
Bears: 8,559,855
Panthers: 3

It'll be 10-3 at halftime before the Bears break it open.

Today, Boston is a Red Sox town. No doubt about that. It's hard to explain to someone that doesn't live in the area just how widespread and effective the Kool-Aid is. SkyNet could stage a military coup in California with a battalion of T-1000s and the papers would probably have an editorial meeting on whether to bump the Tavarez signing from the front page. The Patriots resurgence in late nineties has pulled the long moribund franchise up to a respectful second place, but it is a definite second. It doesn't help that Belichick leaves little to discuss. Drama is the Red Sox's dance partner. For the Pats, drama is Belichick's bitch. Regarding the Celtics and Bruins? Who?

It wasn't always like this. Or at least not to this degree. During the mid to late eighties, when Curt Schilling was a mere zygote of a prospect, Boston was a chewy nougat of four sport goodness. The sports and the coverage and the discussion changed with the seasons. The high water mark may have been circa '86-'88. Patriots in the Super Bowl and back to back 11-5 seasons. Red Sox in the '86 Series and later Morgan's magic in '88. Celtics win a 16th championship and make it at least to the Eastern Conference Finals each year. Bruins get off the mat with Terry O'Reilly and start a solid run with a trip to the Finals in '88. (This was also the year I first took to putting a layer of duck tape on my Wiffle bat. An event, along with a mastery of a Bruce Hurst-like bender, that not coincidentally started my reign of backyard neighborhood terror.)

When was the last time a city, or region, saw all four of its pro teams humming with such precision? New York had a good run in the mid-nineties, but with the overladen sports tree in New York it's hard to find a year when some Rubik Cube combo of the teams weren't good. Is the four sports town dead? Hell, given the state of hockey, I'd be willing to consider a wildcard for the fourth spot. Is it still possible to be a faithful and fulfilled sports fan following teams in just one city?

For me, these halcyon Boston days were a period that nicely dovetailed with the formative years of my sports consciousness and cemented my relationships, for better or worse, with all the New England teams. I bellied up to the table and happily gorged myself on the sports smorgasbord that Boston provided. Yes, I'll admit, I had a bit of a fling with the Pirates in the early nineties, but that was just a youthful indiscretion and I lay the blame on my affinity for mascots with eye patches and Sid Bream's gleaming moustache. Those formative years are dangerous times. Times when young minds can be swayed with the glitter of a championship regardless of geography or won over by the complimentary color of the piping on uniform pants. I say a small prayer of thanks that I didn't come to the sad fate of my friend, a sports fan vagabond, growing up in Southern Massachusetts, yet giving himself to the siren song of the Bears and Yankees. Such a shame.

In high school I had a gym teacher that would always show up in the jersey of the Cowboys or Bulls or whoever the day after a championship concluded and religiously swear he'd always rooted for those teams. Even going so far as to throw out random names from the 70's when he was called on it. As if that would hold up in court. In today's rampant era of free agency, is this behavior less taboo? Is the free agent fan literally free to cherry pick favorites without repercussions?

Here are some video clips you may have wanted to see, but missed over the past week or so.

The infamous Marcus Vick stomping video. At least he didn't shoot him. (honk, honk).

This is the Doug Flutie dropkick. Could also be called "Belichick Smiles" or "Belichick Shocks World and Wears Grey Sweatshirt" or "Thumbs up Doug" or, whatever. (Click on the link then click the Pats/Dolphins game. You have to watch some highlight, but you know, who cares.)

Here's the Reggie Bush high school highlight video you may have heard about. Where's Vince Young's high school highlight video you ask? Any by "you" I mean the "Houston Texans" and by the "Houston Texans" I mean "Tennessee Titans" and by "Tennessee Titans" I mean, "Mel Kiper" and by "Mel Kiper" I mean, "there isn't one".

Are nunchucks, or the use of them a sport? How about looking like a complete douche in the middle of an audition? If so, this soon to be ninja/action hero is the greatest athlete in the world.

And while we're on the not-really-sports topic, the first Clerks II trailer has been released. "I don't appreciate your ruse ma'am"..."I beg your pardon?" ... "Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me."

After steriods torpedoed, or at least put a serious dent, in baseball's post-strike renaissance, the NFL is the unquestioned leader in the US sports landscape. Which led me to wonder, if you were going to build a new sports league, Steve Austin style, from the ground up, what attributes or characteristics would you be sure to include to give the league the best chance of success?

Must Have
Television - In the very beginning, before color televisions got their teeth into the American living room, it's likely this relationship was reversed, television needing sport to survive, but now it is just the opposite. Lucrative television contracts and dedicated cable stations are the mother lode, both for the teams and the league as a whole. Strong television contracts just makes most everything else on this list easier to accomplish. Being on OLN doesn't help anyone.

Press Attention - The Internet has gone a long way toward mitigating the necessity of courting the mainstream television and print media, but being included in the three minutes nightly sports package or having a dedicated beat writer doesn't hurt. At this point even sand soccer has sites and blogs, but if two guys aren't arguing about it on ESPN, is it really a sport?

Superstars/Personalities - Call this one the Jordan Rules. As the NBA proved, you can market a league very effectively on the strength of a single ungodly talent. In my mind, this is what is killing new wave sports such as snowboarding and it's ilk. Snowboarding seemed poised to breakout in the late nineties, after Nagano, but almost a decade later remains in much the same place. It is a fast, exciting, Olympic level sport with big time sponsors, but remains relegated to the backwaters of Saturday afternoons on NBC. One big problem? No crossover superstar to carry the torch and look pretty on the posters. When I can name more WNBA players than professional snowboarders, your sport has a bit of a problem. That being said, Bode Miller is not doing skiing any favors.

Excitement/Pressure - This doesn't just mean fast, otherwise hockey would be enormously popular. In fact, hockey could be an argument for a spectator sport that is too fast; replays being a necessity to truly appreciate the skill and artistry of most passes and scoring plays. But regardless, a successful sport should raise the blood pressure a bit, whether it be through speed (hockey/NASCAR), pressure (golf, baseball, hell, poker) or a combination of both (football/basketball). I'd say finding a happy medium is a cornerstone of a successful sport.

Entertainment - You want people to pay, right? Boring the crap out of your fan base is not a good thing. This is probably Americans biggest gripe about soccer. Or the mid-nineties trap happy NHL. Right or wrong, when Americans complain about the lack of scoring they are saying they are bored. Of course, you can take this completely in the wrong direction, trying for more entertainment than sport, bastardizing the product, see the XFL.

Nice to Have
Tradition - This is not really something you can engineer, only cultivate over time. But once achieved it can be very powerful. I'm sure the NFL ratings weren't hurt by the Colts taking a run at 16-0. MLB dug itself out of the strike funk with the homerun history chase. How they did it is another matter. Speaking of, MLB and Bob Costas like to think they've cornered the sports market on nostalgia and tradition, but like other items on this list it can be a double edged sword, painting the sport into a corner and making change extremely difficult and Congressional hearings more likely.

Nationalism - A little jingoism never hurt a sport's prospects. Unless your country is embarrassingly bad at it. Being really terrible at a sport is never good unless it's incongrous, then John Candy and Disney will make a movie about it.

Olympics - Closely tied to nationalism, getting Olympic medal sport status gives a sport some mainstream legitimacy and credibility. Unless, of course, your country has made up the sport to improve it's medal count. Ahem, snowboarding.

Profitable - Unless your sport has the initials WNBA, you are not going to survive for long hemorrhaging money. I think this is an area where MLS has done a good job with salary structure and avoiding the mistakes that took down the NASL.

Frilly Extras
Accessible - I think I would really like skiing/snowboarding, but after not getting into as a kid (too much basketball practice) the barriers to entry now seem really high and rather expensive. Not to mention needing a mountain. One reason soccer is so prevalent world wide is that you only need something vaguely round to get a game going.

Superficially simple - The Tetris principle. It may take a lifetime to master, but a sport shouldn't need more than a handful of core rules to make sense. I mean, Australian Rules Football and cricket probably could lay claim to many of these characteristics but for the life of mean any time I watch I can't figure out what the hell is going on. You've got googlies, sticky wickets, footies, clangers and occasionally groups of men linking arms and forming violent huddles.

Physical/Violent - Let's face it, despite the number of times Pete Weber might yell suck it, being a spectator at a pro bowling event just lacks the titillation factor of witnessing a bone crushing sack or an old time hockey brawl.

Venues - Watching a baseball game in RFK this year was not a good experience. A sport needs to be played in a venue designed to showcase it's finer points. Besides finally getting in line with FIFA rules, this may be the best news for the long term success of the MLS. Watching soccer in a football stadium lacks the intimacy and camraderie of soccer-only stadiums.

Climax - Signature or highlight event would probably be a better term, but I needed to fill our prerequisite of at least one veiled sexual reference per post. Dunks. Alley oops. Homeruns. Touchdowns. Sacks. Third turn crashes. Hole in ones. You need highlight reel fodder to get people excited.

Statistics - Two words. Fantasy sports. How do you know your sport may have a future? When people are holding down full-time jobs writing about pretend leagues based on it.

Definitive winners/losers - Thankfully, the Rose Bowl took care of this one at least for this year, but simply put, no likes ties. Co-champions are a cop out.

So that's it. Looking it over, it doesn't bode well for my dreams of starring on a pro Wiffle circuit, does it? By no means a definitive list. Greg made me cut a few things out because he didn't have the attention span to make it through the entirety of the first list. Thoughts on what I might have missed?

posted by mike d at 2:01 PM
Link | |

Brian Urlacher owns you. And the NFL. You know why? Because he is a Superhuman Man-Warrior. Don't believe me? Check out the picture. It's scratch n' sniff. It smells like the tears of grown men, Dentyne and awesomeness. Why else would he be the NFL Defensive Player of the Year? It's not because he raises old people or reads to puppies. No. It's because he is a massive hurricane of kickassedness that can't be stopped. If you're ever lucky enough to meet Urlacher, and ask nicely, he may not destroy you. But the odds of that are slim. That's why he lives life alone, because everything he touches he pummels, ferociously. Ask Chuck Norris. He thought he could hang. He tried to land a series of stealth kicks upon Urlacher. But it didn't faze him. He then retaliated with a punch so fierce, Norris tuned into Susan Sarandon. That's why Carolina is scared. They hate Susan Sarandon. That's why they tried to lose to the Giants. Because they know what's next: vaporization via fists. Jake Dwelholme will probably cry. Deshaun Foster is already crying. You know why? Urlacher. Don't say I didn't warn you, suckas.

Oh boy, the first round of the NFL Playoffs. Or what I like to call, "The Race to See Who Gets to Be Beaten by the Bears." I wanted to get these up sooner, but I was really busy at work. See, I tie bikini's onto supermodels (with my mouth) and today, whoo, shooting in Fiji ... rough. But I'll tell you, the funniest thing happened this morning when I accidentally tickled Heidi in her special honey pot with my nose. Oh man, she and I just laaaaughed ... Ok, here are some predictions.

Redskins @ Buccaneers - Ok, how much do I love Clinton Portis? Seriously. How much? No someone tell me, because I don't even know anymore. He has quickly catapulted to the top of my favorite players list. Why? Because he's awesome. His costumes are awesome. And I mentioned he's awesome, right? As far as the game goes, the Redskins are on fire right now. And well, you know, Chris Simms. Soft. Prediction: Redskins.

Jacksonville Jaguars @ New England Patriots- Well, no one is giving the Jags a chance. Guess what? I think they win. Why? Because realistically, there is no way the Patriots should lose this game. Well, except for the fact that they're wildly overrated, have had little success against good teams, are still decimated by injuries, have to completely rely on Tom Brady to win and are playing a tough Jacksonville team with success against good teams and a ridiculously tough defense that can stop the run and seriously mess up the passing game. Other than that, Patriots should win in a landslide. Prediction: Jacksonville (but it's close).

Carolina Panthers @ New York Giants- This is a tough one. Tiki is nasty. Carolina has a good D. Eli isn't terribly accurate. I don't know, I think Steve Smith and DeShaun Foster will be too much to handle. I don't think the Giants are as good as advertised. Neither team is particularly amusing. Eli needs a drinking problem or something. Prediction: Carolina.

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals- A lot of people are predicting the Steelers to win this game. I've read a lot of "the Bengals will be nervous" excuses. Will they? Do people really think that? I think the Steelers would be more nervous about losing in the playoffs, again. Nervous. That's just silly talk. What I'd be more concerned is that Bengals D. It's not exactly (what's the word I'm looking for) good. This should be a great game. I really hope Chad Johnson's TD dance involves a cowboy hat, some horses and an inflatable Bill Cowher doll. Or maybe the real Bill Cowher. You never know who'll fall for a cowboy. Prediction: Bengals.

Ok, that's all for now. If you want a more detailed analysis and predictions, the guys over at Sports Matters have done a nice job. Anyway, enjoy the games.

The other day, my friend Mike H., was all like, "dude, what's up with Brady?" and I was all like, "dude, you want to write about it on my site?" and he was like, "yeah" and I was like, "cool" and then we were like, "nice". So, today I pass the spot to another guest writer. Mike tackles the issue of "respek" and why Tom Brady gets more than his fair share of it. Look at that, it's like I have a staff. Hehe, I said staff. Anyway, it's worth the read. I have a feeling you Pats fans will love this one. Although it is respectful. Ooooh, irony. Enjoy.

Ah, it must be NFL playoff time in New England. How can I tell, you ask? Maybe it's the frosty nip in the air. Or the fresh snow on the ground. Or maybe it's the legions of prostitutes from New Bedford that have descended on Gillette Stadium to service the assembled mob of drunken football fans with $20 handjobs. Nope, none of the above. I know that it is NFL playoff time in New England because Tom Brady has sounded the Patriots rally cry by claiming (once again) that his team receives “no respect.”

Ok, enough already. We've heard it all before. The “no respect” mantra of the Super Bowl champions is quite ridiculous, and it is about time that somebody calls out Mr. Brady and asks him to just stop it already. Let me begin by saying that I love Tom Brady, right down to that messy but boyishly cute hairdo of his. I mean, really, who wouldn’t love to tussle that hair, give him a firm slap on the ass and a hearty “good job out there today, Tom!” Um, yeah, me neither. But I have to beg him to stop banging the “no respect” gong because, in reality, the Patriots receive as much respect as they deserve.

First of all, I would really, really, like to know exactly which fans and media people have been disrespecting the 2005 New England Patriots? Seriously, name one broadcaster/sportswriter/bartender etc. who lately has said “These Patriots are never going to win in the playoffs.” I certainly haven’t heard it. There was a point this season when the typical analyst said, “I think the Patriots are in trouble.” I think that point was around Week 9, when the Patriots were a .500 team that was looking into treatment options for the anal fissures they suffered from whoopings doled out by the Chargers, Broncos, and Colts. Granted, the media fawned over the Colts and their dream of a perfect season, but since the Patriots turned their fortunes around and Indy lost to San Diego every sportscaster has jumped on the “Peyton Manning and the Colts must be hearing the red-hot Patriots footsteps” bandwagon. To me this sort of sounds like the opposite of disrespect, namely, mad props, yo.

So what, then, is Brady griping about? My guess is that Brady is upset that the Patriots are not considered the favorites to win the AFC, never mind the Super Bowl, despite being two time defending champions. He must think that the Patriots did something this year to earn them all of this respect he feels they deserve because, as we all know, the Patriots as a team and an organization do not look to past success to indicate future performance, right? Right. That being said, let’s put 2005 under the microscope to understand why the Patriots should be the Super Bowl favorites, shall we? (Warning: this will involve some statistics, so I’m going to pause for a minute to let Greg grab his bottle of Lavender scented Jergens off the nightstand and find the special sock on which he has drawn a caricature that bears a striking resemblance to Brian Urlacher. Sometimes its just better not to ask.)

The Patriots have had a strong, to very strong, defense during their title run, so I’m sure Brady must be talking about more ‘spekt for his D, right? That must be it, the defense will lead them to the championship. The only problem is that the Pats vaunted defense ranked 26th in yards allowed per game with 330.2. I was surprised that the Patriots ranked 8th in the NFL in rushing yards allowed per game with 98.8, but their pass defense was absolutely atrocious, ranked 31st in the NFL, better than only San Francisco. Oh, did I mention they were 17th in the league in points allowed with 21.1 per game. For the record, I recognize that the Patriots had their share of injuries, especially in the secondary, but, frankly, what NFL team doesn’t have key of injuries? Harrison’s injury obviously hurt the defense, but losing neither Tyrone Poole nor Randle Gay qualifies as a “key” injury because neither was never, you know, like, that good in the first place. Point is, the Patriots defense does not strike fear into the hearts of their opponents, and has not given anyone a reason to concede the inevitability of a Patriots three-peat.

If it's not the defense Tom must think that the offense deserves more respect, right? The Patriots 2005 offense has been, dare I say it, pretty good overall. They ranked 7th overall in total yardage, and 10th in total points. Unfortunately, three of the six teams ahead of them in total yardage are Indy, Denver, and Cincinnati, at least one of which they will have to defeat on the road to the Super Bowl. The split between the Pat's running and passing games is interesting: They were 24th in the NFL in rushing with 94.5 yards per game, and 2nd in passing with 257 yards per game. Not exactly the hallmark of a great team.

The breakdown of rushing vs. passing performance is also indicative of the fact that Brady absolutely carried the Patriots in 2005. If Brady played poorly the Patriots did not stand a chance of winning. The best example of this was the Kansas City game, where Brady threw four interceptions and the Patriots lost 26-16 in a game that really wasn’t that close. I don’t think it is a coincidence that the Patriots are undefeated behind Brady in his nine playoff games – he hasn’t had a bad playoff outing yet, completing 62.5 percent of his postseason passes for 1,950 yards and only 3 picks in 304 attempts. He is bound to have a bad game eventually, and when he does, the Patriots flaws as a team will become obvious.

So, if we can’t point to either the Patriots offense or defense to build a convincing case why the team should be favored to win the Super Bowl then how did they measure up head-to-head against the rest of the NFL in 2005? The teams they beat that had a winning record at the time of each game were Pittsburgh (Week 3), Atlanta (Week 5), and Tampa (Week 15), though beating Tampa in the cold New England winter is about as difficult as beating Contra with the cheat code for 30 extra lives (up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.) Other winning teams like Carolina, San Diego, Denver, Indy, and Kansas City abused the Pats like a Japanese girl in a bukake video. But hey, the Pats did rack up some impressive wins against the Jets (2), Buffalo (2), Oakland, Miami, and New Orleans. The late season winning streak against the NFL’s doormat teams probably restored what was left of the Pats self respect, but by no means did give us reason to believe that the Patriots are all of a sudden better than the teams that schooled them earlier in the season.

What this all boils down to is that nobody disrespects the 2005 Patriots, but most people are objective and realistic about their chances of winning in this years playoffs based on their performance all season. The Patriots have something to prove after a 2005 regular season where they finished in the middle of the statistical pack, made the playoffs by virtue of winning perhaps the weakest division in the NFL and struggled against the league’s elite teams. While everyone is eagerly anticipating a New England vs. Indianapolis showdown to decide the AFC, lets be realistic: Without their history the Patriots would be given as much chance of beating Indy this year as the Washington Redskins have of beating Chicago (I hear the Bears are more awesome than five thousand ninjas.) Brady needs to realize that the Patriots are given due respect for being the reigning champs, but that he just sounds silly when he wonders aloud where all the love is after the team’s turd of a season. We will all respect Brady and the Patriots if they quietly do what they have done the past two years – prove us all wrong. Then we’ll have no choice. Otherwise, for everyone’s sake, please just stop it with the respect thing. We get it.

Written by Mike H.

Wow. So, um, Vince Young is, ah, good. Last night was one of those Jordan-esque, "Scottie, Bill, John, Will, Dennis ... why don't you guys go make me a sandwich" performances. Young took the ol' team and put them on the ol' shoulders and single-handedly exposed what everyone knew was USC's true weakness: Laotian prostitutes. Yup. They're like kryptonite to Southern Cal. No, ok, that is an incorrect statement. What I'm really trying to say is that USC's defense blew. Badly. And everyone knew it. But no one wanted to say it. I mean, sure Young is great. But the number of blown tackles was incredible. A one-legged girl scout wearing a wooden shoe would have rushed for 110 on them. Of course, the bigger question is, why wasn't there a linebacker spying on Young the entire game? He was just squeezing through the defense like greased up deaf guy. Thankfully, THANKFULLY Chris Berman wasn't calling the game. I'm not sure how many "bwoooop!" "bwooops!" I could have taken before hurling myself into traffic.

And losing last night had to be frustrating for USC and Nick Lachey. They really should have won the game. While Leinart wasn't being the most sportsmanlike when he said USC was still the better team, he had a point. USC should have gone up big, run the ball the entire second half and walked away with yet another victory. But sloppy play, lack of conentration, poor defense and poor play calling is what did them in. And while I'm not a Leinart fan, and don't think he'll be a particularly spectacular pro QB, the fact that he later refered to Young as a "freakish athlete" was amusing. I'm not even sure what that means. It's like he thinks they got beat by George 'the animal' Steel, or Ron Jeremy's penis.

Oh, and did anyone else notice who Vince Young looked like last night? Anyone? That's right ... an accurate Michael Vick. In fact, he looked like the factory prototype of #7 we've been waiting for since 2001. Last night, ladies and gentlemen, we witnessed, in the form of a lanky Texas QB, every expectation Vick has failed to live up to in his 5 years in the league. When people say, "Well, what do you expect from Vick?" Um ... that. That game last night. That's what everyone expected from him. All you needed was the kid on the rollercoaster and there was your Nike ad, without special effects. Now, of course, I (and everyone else) need to settle down a little bit. Playing like Young did in the NFL is a little different. Defenses are a wee bit faster. And "tackles" aren't "missed" quite as "often". You don't usually have blitzing, 122 lb. safeties swinging from the QB's legs like a remora on a mako, or a fat kid on a KFC. It won't be so easy in the pro's. I mean, again, ask Mr. Mexico. He bwoop-bwooped all over the NCAA. Different story now. Can Young's silly little throwing style translate in the NFL? What happens when he faces defenses with defensive LINEMEN who can run him down? Will he be the good Michael Vick (highlight reel master, leads team to NFC championship) or the bad Michael Vick (Aaron Brooks)? We'll see, I guess.

So now this brings up an interesting question. If Vince Young comes out into the draft this year, what do the Houston Texans do? Do they trade their pick and bump down to #3, give up on Bush and go for Young? Houston is UT territory. Local boy goes to the local team, rejuvinates the local appeal. Blah blah. I don't know. Mel Kiper was salivating today, repeating himself like a drunken sailor, "Young's value will never be this high again", "Young's value will never be this high again." Ok, we get it. Relax. You're right. No matter what Young accomplishes next year ... winning the Heisman, winning another National Championship, giving Lindsay Lohan the shocker ... it probably won't get better than this. Or will it? This should get interesting.

Ok, we're back. We're all done being lazy and are getting back to posting everyday. It's been about a week since we've made a sports-themed genitalia joke and, well, that's not fair to anyone. So, to ease back into things, we'd like to take a quick look back at the past week we neglected to discuss. We weren't writing, but we kept on top of things with a remote in one hand, inflatable barnyard collection in the other. So here's a quick recap (and "analysis") of some of the key events we probably would have talked about, in no particular order.

1. The Manny Ramirez trade talks continue on ... and on ... and on ... and you get the point. How many awful rumors do we have to endure this offseason? "A source close to a source close to a guy who recommended a burrito place in Cabo to the cousin of a friend of a source says that the Red Sox, Devil Rays, Orioles and Mets are close to a 4-team deal where the Mets get Manny, Tampa Bay gets Clement the Red Sox get Tejada, Huff, Beltran, Bedard, Milledge, Heilman, Baez and Gathright, and Baltimore gets a free football phone. Sources say the trade is likely, but there may be some roadblocks."

2. The Jeremy Burnitz Rollercoaster. Oooooh, where will he sign? Is it Baltimore? Is it Pittsburgh? Please, update me on this every three seconds. Maybe he'll be a sign-and-trade for Manny? Maybe he'll sign with Houston? Maybe I don't give a shit.

3. Mike Martz was fired. Aw, what a shame, what with him being a genius and all. Here's a cool picture of Martz, though. Sort of captures his essence, if you will.

4. NFL Playoffs are set. This is going to be one of the better playoffs in years. Of course, that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the Bears are in it. And they're awesome. Really awesome. Like, "lock your doors because whatever pussy team you root for is going to get destroyed" awesome. Nope, just gonna be fun ... watching the games ... yup. Nothing to do with the Bears. And their awesomeness. Nothing at all.

5. Many Oddly-Named, Insignificant Bowl Games. Getting a Bowl game nowadays is like making the playoffs in the NHL. It's nice, I guess. But there's something relatively uneventful for two unranked teams to be battling it out in the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. So forgive me if I don't care. Because, well, I don't.

Pretty slow week. Oh, Bill Belichick did smile though. It was interesting and weird all at the same time. It's still unsure if it was because of Flutie's dropkick or the fact that Belichick wore that grey sweatshirt for an NFL record 36 straight games. Get it? Because he wears that sweatshirt a lot? Like, every game. So, I said he set the record. So he was smiling. Because of the shirt. You know, because he wears it a lot. The sweatshirt.