Site name

Ok, so maybe I'm not quite over it just yet.

But I will be back to posting relatively regularly. Just wanted to take a little break last week. And since I know nothing about college basketball or the NBA, I figured I'd use the time to touch up on my ass-kicking skills. Oh and as for the whole Peyton and cock thing above? That's all alleged, of course. I mean, when it comes to ol' Mr. Chin Pimples, what do I know? Not much. That's what I say.

Wow. That fucking sucked. Seriously, that was awful. What happened? I mean, where did the Bears go? That wasn't them. It was one of those games where I couldn't comprehend what was happening. How did it go from 2nd and 1 to 4th and 23 in 7 seconds? I even changed my shirt at halftime. Wasn't enough. And like an optimistic asshole, I said (with complete seriousness) at the two minute warning, "If we run an interception back for a TD then recover the onside kick, we have a chance." Of course, the complete opposite of that happened. Fucking shit. That really, really, REALLY sucked.

Last year, when the Bears lost to the Panthers in the NFC Championship game, I cried forcefully wrote about it here. It was a post called Bears Lose. And, well, that Blows. In it, I compared the loss to having intercourse with a supermodel (sort of) and made some sort of poop/alligator comment ... it's how I cope. And while it felt like each member of the Panthers had just fired rusty shards of scrap metal into my testicles, I knew things would be ok. At the end of the post, I wrote this:

"...But hey, let's put things into perspective. The Bears may have lost the game, but mark my words: They have not lost their awesomeness. In fact, it's just the begining. This was a preview of things to come. You think Luke became a Jedi overnight? Did He-Man defeat Skeletor in one day? Did that kid who played Fez on that 70's Show get into Lindsay Lohan's pants in one afternoon? No. Their awesomeness grew over time. You think the Bears were good this year? You just wait. You'll be hiding under your bed by Week 7 next year ..."

Now they're in the Super Bowl. Can I see the future? We'll see. Prediction: Bears.

Labels: Bears, greg, Super Bowl XLI

You know what's cute? How everyone thinks the Colts and Patty Manning are going to win. It was incredible how everyone hopped on Manning's dick as soon as Indy made the Super Bowl. And while that's still the case, as the weeks have passed, the Colts bandwagon has slightly started to thin out. Yet, they are still the favorites. Check out the "SportsNation". Everything is red except for the entire state of Illinois, and a single blue dot in Massachusetts (Hi!). Of course, how can you really blame people, what with Indy's historical dominance in the postseason ... (pause, roll eyes for effect, pause a bit longer) ... And so the story continues. The Bears get no love. That's fine. Like I've said it before, I'd rather be the underdog.

So, as I read all these Super Bowl articles, from fluff pieces to game analysis to Peyton cock rubbing, there have been a bevy of "experts" who seem to have their own "How each team can win" ideas. But since I lack a pHD in "Vapid Bullshit" from ESPN University, I am probably not considered a card carrying member of the "expert" club. But I am an expert at kicking ass and wooing the ladies. So, you know, take that for what it's worth. Anyway, despite what the masses think, the Bears match up very well against the Colts. Here are a few things I think they need to do to win this game.

1. Master the Basics. Establish the run, benefit from the play action and exploit the Indy secondary, play tight, aggressive D and make sure the middle of the field isn't exposed. Of course, with all the "Dallas Clark must get involved in the middle of the field" articles, I don't think the Bears will be surprised by him. Ok, that one was easy. What else?

2. Get physical with the Indy receivers. Jam those bitches on the line. Rough them up. "Bam! Bam! Bam! All day long foot up a dog's ass." (Friday, 1995). Hopefully Manning Jr., Tillman & Co. have devoured vintage footage of Rodney Harrison putting on a "How to handle Marvin" clinic. Throwing him around like a ho who didn't have his money. Disrupt the receivers timing. Let the Bears D-Line welcome Manning to Miami the proper way.

3. Tea Bag Peyton Manning. It's all about getting into Manning's head. And I strongly believe that a salty ballbag slapped on Peyton's lips might do just that. Worth the 15 yard penalty? Probably. "Unsportsmanlike conduct. Number 96. Illegal lowering of testicles into facemask of the Walking Vagina. 15 yard penalty. 1st down." It's the little things. They sack Manning ... maybe they fire a fart into his mouth. Or maybe they just whisper sweet nothings into his ear like, "Eli is your mom's favorite." ... "I heard your dad jerked off Tom Brady with his lips" ... "I just wiped pre-cum on your towel." Things like that. Just to get him thinking.

4. Don't fuck up too much. Hold onto the ball. Tackle. Don't be stupid. "The Fundamentalios" as the Spanish say. When the Bears establish the run, play aggressive defense and take what's given to them, they win. They just have to play smart. Everyone is so "worried" about Rex Grossman all the time. But I think he'll be fine. So long as he isn't exhausted from plowing chicks all week. ESPN, of course, has to run these ridiculous and unimaginative "Who is the worst quarterback ever to lead his team to the Super Bowl?" polls. And of course, Rex Grossman is on there. Everyone seems to forget Sexy Rexy is in his first full year as a starter. And the Bears are in the fucking Super Bowl. Please, suck my dick ESPN.

5. Stop doing the "jump shot" celebration. This has nothing to do with winning or losing. More of just a general statement to the league. This is one of the most ridiculous celebrations I've ever seen. If you're going to emulate other sports, at least mix it up. Maybe pretend you're turning a double play, or firing a slapshot. Or even better, pretend you're bowling or playing darts. Can you imagine the confusion on everyone if Devin Hester runs a kickoff back for a TD and he pretends he's putting on the 18th hole in the final day of the Masters. Crouches down, lines it up. Crouches back down. Commercial break. Back to the game. Still lining up his put. Checks with Ogunleye. Crouches. Removes a piece of grass. Lines it up. Puts. That would be incredible. So please, enough with the jump shots. I know they've been dying down as of late. And I'm not like the haters of all that is fun NFL, I'm all for celebrations. Just come up with a new one. Unless it helps the Bears win. Then I don't give a shit.

Obviously, there are other things too. Mix up the defensive schemes. Confuse Patty. Don't stay in cover 2 all game, but don't overuse the nickel and be susceptible to the run. Blitz, but not too much. Don't force the ball downfield. Etc. There is more than just tea bagging Manning. But none nearly as entertaining. Unless they actually shit in his facemask, while he's wearing it. Might be a bit more than a 15 yard penalty though. Then again, maybe not.

Oh man, one more day 'till gametime. Super Bowl prediction post will be up by early afternoon Sunday.

Labels: Bears, greg, Super Bowl XLI

Sorry for the no post yesterday, but I was on the road all day. I was participating in the US Mens Heavyweight Bodybuilding competition. I thought I'd be the clear favorite to win ... but as it turns out, I ended up getting disqualified for being "too muscular". Apparently, my level of physical fitness was determined to be "superhuman" and "unattainable by other mortals" whatever that means. Anyway, here's this dude ended up winning. I totally had this thing.

Anyway, all night last night I kept dreaming about the Bears. It's weird, I know. I'm such a loser. But it's true. And it wasn't one of those normal dreams either, where the Bears win the Super Bowl and I'm at the game and suddenly they point to me in the stands. Then I look around, acting all confused, then point at myself and say, "Me?" And they say, "Yeah" and wave me down to the field. Then I get up, shake the hands of the Mexican family sitting next to me, then mount a dragon that was tied to the back of my chair. I ride down to the field as the stadium fills with cheers and the comforting melody of "The Final Coundown". Then I get to hold up the trophy, throw on a Gary Fencik replica jersey and make out with a completely nude, 18 ft. Jessica Alba while the King of Spain and the Super Mario Brothers applaud from the luxury boxes. No, I didn't have a dream like that at all. Instead, I had weird dreams.

I wish I was making this up ... But I had this one dream last night where I was in a magazine store trying to get the clerk to sell me a Beckett Fantasy Baseball Guide, only he wouldn't. I remember being annoyed and in a rush because the Super Bowl was about to start. He ended up selling it to me for $2.90 (yes, $2.90 ... I don't know why), but told me his last copy was being reserved so he had to order it and it wouldn't be in for 2-5 weeks. Next thing I know, I'm in a department store buying cufflinks. I'm also panicked because the Bears game started an hour ago. And I'm buying fucking CUFFLINKS?!?!!? Only I don't know why.

So I'm buying the stupid cufflinks, hastily trying them on. (By the way, the only time I've ever worn cufflinks is at weddings and on international spy missions. But whatever. And when one purchases them, I don't think there's any trying-of-them-on, is there? I imagine one just points and says, "I'll take those.") Luckily, in this dream, this men's department store had a flatscreen TV showing the game. Only it wasn't the Bears. It was the Bengals vs. the Lions. I remember being completely bullshit at FOX for not showing the Bears game and opting for this one. Even though it was the Super Bowl. "Stupid local game", I said in my dream. But I live in Boston. I don't know, you figure it out.

Suddenly the dream jumped to Bears highlights. They were playing the Packers and they had just stripped Ahman Green of the football. The ball went out of bounds, yet they still gave it to the Bears. Weird. But you know how dreams are. One minute you're banging three supermodels, the next minute you on a spaceship with Boris Yeltsin eating hummus.

Anyway, this went on for, what felt like, hours. Anxious moments, Bears highlights, Beckett fantasy guides, cufflinks ... WTF? Very, very bizarre night. I don't know what that means except that I should probably stop reading so many Bears articles. Or maybe just stop eating Doritos in bed at 2 in the morning. Oh man, I can only imagine how I'm gonna be on Sunday.

Labels: Bears, greg, Super Bowl XLI