Your Guide to World Cup Baseball
by Felton Trigg
With 2006 right around the corner it is difficult to suppress my anticipation of the upcoming, inaugural World Baseball Classic to be held during the spring. For those of you who can’t wait for the official meet and greet, I’ve taken the liberty to put together a team-by-team primer for the event.
Austrailia Seriously, would anyone be surprised if when searching for the nation’s best second baseman the scouts came across a group of blokes playing tag-a-long with a dingo-orb and a whally-stick? Who knows, the next Cy Young candidate could be a master of the Oli-loop with a bit of Jango-flern.
Canada It’s pretty obvious that I could give a rat’s ass about the upcoming Olympic hockey tournament when I’m writing about an even more one-sided event that nobody is going to watch.
Chinese Taipei He’s a good prospect and all, but if they could package him up with some of the other Chinese players they may be able to swing a deal with the Netherlands for Andruw Jones. All I’m saying is that they shouldn’t rule out a trade.
Dominican Republic When I tried out for the High School JV basketball team, I knew that I was hard pressed to make the team, never mind get any playing time. That must be how Juan Brito feels at the moment. Brito, a former major league second baseman sits on the infield depth chart behind Ronnie Belliard, Adrian Beltre, Robinson Cano, Pedro Feliz, Neifi Perez, Placido Polanco, Albert Pujols, Alfonso Soriano and Miguel Tejeda. Good luck Juan!
Italy So figuring that they can get 2 mediocre innings out of Matt Mantei before his elbow blows out again, who is going to pitch innings 3 through 9? Can you imagine going straight from the Greater Milan Independent Baseball League (GMIBL) to having to face a lineup of A-Rod, Tejada, Ortiz and Manny? They had better hope Frank Viola comes out of retirement soon.
Japan Kaz, Ato and Nik were such big hits at the soccer world cup that I can’t wait to see what kind of zany creatures they design this time!
South Korea I suspect it would sound something like……“2 outs, bottom of the ninth. Bases full of Dutch. Byung-Hyun Kim sets and winds…the pitch to Jan Vennegoor Van Hesselink…there’s a drive to deep left….it’s going to get over Shin-Soo Choi’s head…Jesper Hogedoorn will score easily from third with Leendert van Steensel right behind him….the ball is finally picked up by the centerfielder Sunny Choi and thrown into the cutoff man Dae-Sung Choi….Dave Van den Bergh is coming home….the throw one hops Chan Ho Choi and rolls to the backstop….here comes Vennegoor Van Hesselink….the throw from Hee-Seop choi is dropped by Bong Choi! The Dutch Win, The Dutch Win!
I would pay $100 to hear Tim McCarver and David Justice call this game.
Mexico Respek.
Netherlands The ministry of sport and leisure better get its act together because Andruw can’t cover the field all by himself. Doesn’t this seem like the perfect situation for some celebrity American to claim some Dutch heritage to get on the team? Sounds like Team Amsterdam would be right up Garth Brooks’ alley if it wasn’t for all the gay marriage, prostitution and bong hitting.
Panama Their team may hang in there until the 9th, but with no options to close the game out they will struggle. I guess Panamanians don’t have the closer mentality.
Puerto Rico Except for Mike Lowell. He looks like he’s from Michigan.
United States Because it was so funny I laughed the first 5,000 times I saw it on television. Speaking of falling, I'm really hoping Don Zimmer makes the coaching staff. Throw is LaRussa and you’ve got yourself an idiot, a nut and a guy with a ‘special’ van.
Venezuela Perhaps he will use Santana as his 4th starter to send him a message. If not he may choose to have Henry Blanco play ‘smartball’ and attempt a stolen base every time he’s on base. I have no idea how this guy won a world series.
China Taipei, Cuba and South Africa Cuba and China I can understand. They love secrets. But I think that South Africa was just confused when they signed up. “Oh yes, baseball. Like the New York City Yankees, yes? We would be honored to supply athletes for these games Mr. Selig.” Now they are like “Oh shit. Where the hell are we going to find baseball players in the next 3 months? Can Dave Matthews pitch?”
So those are the teams you will be seeing this spring competing for the much-coveted Gilded Anvil (or what ever it is the winner gets) that symbolizes global dominance, immortality, and, of course, freedom. Enjoy.
Andruw Jones will lead the Orange Crush.
Star Players: None
Committed Players: 5
Most Important Question: Will the Aussie’s introduce an entirely new set of terms to describe our national pastime?
Star Players: Eric Gagne and Jason Bay
Committed Players: 20
Most Important Question: Who cares less….Canadian’s about their baseball team or American’s about their Olympic hockey team?
Star Players: None
Committed Players: ? (Communist Secret)
Most Important Question: Will they trade Chien-Ming Wang?
Star Players: A-Rod, Vlad, Pedro, Big Papi, Albert Pujols, Manny Ramirez, Miguel Tejada and Alfonso Soriano
Committed Players: 29
Most Important Question: When is final cut down day?
Star Players: Mike Piazza
Committed Players: 14
Most Important Question: Is there a Mercy Rule?
Star Players: Ichiro
Committed Players: 29
Most Important Question: When will they introduce their team mascot?
Star Players: None (Unless you are Korean, then Hee-Seop Choi)
Committed Players: 8
Most Important Question: Who is going to be forced to do the radio play-by-play for the Korea-Netherlands match up?
Star Players: None
Committed Players: 23
Most Important Question: Once eliminated will Esteban Loaiza MC the rest of the tournament dressed as Ali G?
Star Players: Andruw Jones
Committed Players: 1 (That’s right, 1)
Most Important Question: When are the tryouts?
Star Players: Carlos Lee
Committed Players: 4
Most Important Question: Why hasn’t this country groomed any closers?
Star Players: Carlos Beltran, Carlos Delgado, I-Rod, Bernie Williams
Most Important Question: How many times will American viewers say “I thought that guy was Dominican” while watching Puerto Rico play.
Star Players: Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Roy Halladay, Derek Jeter, Mark Teixeria, and many more
Committed Players: 41
Most Important Question: Will Skipper Tommy LaSorda fall down again like he did in that All-Star game?
Star Players: Bobby Abreu and Johan Santana
Committed Players: 15
Most Important Question: Will Ozzie Guillen bat Miguel Cairo 2nd or 8th?
Star Players: ?
Committed Players: ?
Most Important Question: Why are they so secretive?