Opening Day, Finally
by Greg
Since yesterday was “Opening Day”, I was asked by my good friend, and Blah co-founder Mike D., to “please just write something, anything, for this stupid freakin’ site. I’m tired of doing all the work. It’s baseball season. That’s your sport. Write.” His sincerity and tenderness really touched me, and upon his suggestion, I decided to keep a diary of Opening Day.
Maybe its the new hair.
I know, I know, how original. Everyone keeps diaries nowadays. Of course, no one does it as well as Bill Simmons (of ESPN fame), but hey . . . whatever. I’ll join the ranks of Rob Neyer and others in doing my own. So, with no offense to Mr. Simmons (who I happen to love), I’d like to borrow the diary idea he’s borrowed from 11-year old girls across the globe.
Now, I had intended on taking the day off from work, in order to sit on my couch, shirtless, drinking beer most of the day. But alas, there’s far too much work to be done here. Apparently, capitalism needs my witty prose. So, I’m going to try and keep a running diary of these games while I’m stuck here in the office. The drab, grey surrounding me in my cube will most certainly proved the perfect backdrop to a lively, action-packed diary (or as I like to call it, Encapsulation of Emotions). So, well, here goes.
I had intended on taking the day off from work, in order to sit on my couch, shirtless, drinking beer most of the day.
8:20 am: Driving to work, listening to Boston Talk Radio go on about how Pedro is finished. While I’m not so sure that’s the case, I’ve had this feeling for the past few months that Pedro isn’t going to have a particularly good season this year. Not Jeff Weaver-bad. But Pedro-bad. He’ll get his wins, but he’ll have an ERA around 3.50 and a WHIP around 1.20. Sure, 98% of the pitchers in the league would give their left one for those numbers, but for Pedro, and Boston, that will be nothing short of failure. Just a hunch. I’ve been wrong before. But if that happens, is that worth $15-$17 million a year? Is that the beginning of the decline? Who knows? I’m a Yankee fan, so that may be optimism on my part. But I just don’t fear Pedro like I used to.
8:33 a.m.: No one seems to care about the LSU/Tennessee women’s game last night. Big shock. What a terrible way for LSU to lose. Here’s a question: why inbound the ball under your own basket when you’re being pressed? You’re not making it down the court in 6 seconds. Where was the pick? Why not heave it to half court? At the very least, it would have prevented Tennessee from stealing the ball and scoring the winning basket, you know, like they did. Good call on the press, but LSU, come on, that was awful. Was Shaq at the game? How about Kevin Faulk? Why do I care? Time to get into baseball mode.
Ok, you wanted a large with milk and two sugars, right?
8:37 am: I pull into parking lot. Thought I saw Jim Edmonds standing near a light stanchion by the door . . . again. I also thought the toll collector on the Pike (who happened to be wearing a helmet!?!?!)was John Olerud, and the Brazilain lady at Dunkin Donuts looked remarkably like Omar Vizquel, if he had a moustache. Oh yeah, it's definitely Opening Day.
9:07 am. So annoyed that I didn't have the cojones to take today off. I'd be sleeping soundly, dreaming of nude women jumping up and down for no apparent reason. Instead, I'm sitting in an early meeting. Absolute snoozer. My mind is starting to wander. I'm going through the lineups of both of my fantasy baseball teams to stay entertained.
Ok, her name is Debbie. When she gets here
and asks if this is Dallas, just nod yes. Trust me.
9:09 am: Mind still wandering. I start to think, "Has anyone who has been coached by Tom Emansky ever gone on to play professional baseball? How many of those videos has he sold? Do major league managers use them? Did he coach Fred McGriff, or just sleep with him? Also, is there a more updated version of these videos, that don't look like 70's porn?" Did I read about this in a Bill Simmons article two years ago? I'm ripping off his diary format, why not go all in?
9:17 am: Oh, it's go time. One of my coworkers busts out with a story about how she bought a horseradish root at the grocery store . . . that looked exactly like a wooden penis. She then gave it to her mom, who proceeded to walk around the house with it held at her crotch. Everyone was stunned silent. I'm trying so hard not to burst into tears. When a story ends with "and that's pretty much it", followed by "well, it was funny when it happened", you know someone's ego is in for a world of hurt. But hey, 9 am and the first dildo story of the day was told. New company record.
9:39 a.m. Meeting still going on. I'm still chuckling silently at the wooden penis story. The best part was the segue into it. We had been talking about the South Carolina Gamecocks, and she blurts out, "Speaking of cocks . . . " It's like I work at Cinemax. It was remarkably similar to those moments in a bar when someone blurts out something embarrassing like "I just shaved my balls", at the very second the bar goes quiet. Only worse. I'm sort of glad I came in to work now.
9:40 a.m.: Mind still wandering. Somehow the subject of teachers and unions is broached. Suddenly, I think, "Isn't it ironic that you're considered a "scab" because you don't "picket"." I suddenly feel like I'm brilliant, and like I have an extra chromosome, all at the same time. I swear never to repeat that awful observation to anyone.
9:43 am: I repeat the scab joke to my female co-worker sitting next to me. She laughed. Perhaps she too, has an extra chromosome.
11:05 am: Baseball starts today. Gee, I almost forgot. Just checked ESPN and my super-secret fantasy baseball sites (that hundreds of thousands of people use), for any last minute updates. I should be writing a funny headline about customized envelopes, as if there is such a thing.
11:33 am: Randomly thinking about the time I saw Teri Hatcher nude in the film, "I'm Naked on This Balcony". It was quite possibly one of the Top-5 biggest letdowns of all time, as far as cinematic nude scenes go. I mean, that's just the worst. You sit through an awful movie for nothing. I should make a list. Although, I should do some work. At this rate, I could have stayed home.
11:59 pm: I made a list.
Actually, it's a list in progress. Now mind you, I wouldn't exactly say I was "disappointed" seeing these women naked, but it just didn't live up to expectations.
- Jennifer Aniston: "Good Girl"- I heard from my friends, "Dude, you gotta watch this movie. She's topless." I sat through this depressing load of drivel for a nano-second glance at her jumblies. Even on freeze-frame and super-slow motion, I could make out barely a nipple. Although it was funny to see Bubble Boy try and be dramatic.
- Halle Berry, "Swordfish": You'd think it was Britney who was naked here, after all the hype. Don't get me wrong, but after all the hype, you'd think she'd be doing more than just sitting in a chair. She followed that up with Monster's Ball, which would have been great if I didn't want to kill myself while watching it.
- Elizabeth Berkely, "Showgirls". Painful movie to sit through. Definitely didn't live up to the pre-internet porn hype. Although, all we need now is to see Lisa Turtle naked, and we've run the Saved By the Bell gamut.
- Kathy Bates, "About Schmidt". Awful movie. Awful surprise. She didn't actually let me down. It was the producer and director who allowed this scene to be filmed that let me down. And you know, it wouldn't have even been so bad if I knew it was coming. Seriously, just because she's heavy, whatever. But, damn, was that a surprise.
- Teri Hatcher, "Balcony Movie with One of the Baldwin Brothers". Awful.
1:22 pm: Just logged onto ESPN to make sure there were no 1pm games, which I could have sworn there were. By the way, has anyone ever noticed Rob Neyer's headshot? Did he take that picture when he was an extra on the set of Point Break?
1:23 pm: Ah ha. Just as I suspected. Toronto is playing Detroit. I could care less. Halladay should be able to win this game left-handed.
1:27 pm: Halladay loses no hitter. One on, two out. Top of the first. Small victory for the Tigers.
1:50 pm: Reds game hasn't even started, and Griffey is out. He's quickly reaching the Kordell Stewart level of failed expectations. Unbelievable. Speedy Ryan Freel is starting in CF. Reds fans don't care.
2:18 pm: Carlos Pena homered off of Roy Halladay. The mad dash to the fantasy waiver wires has begun. Tigers up 1-0.
What the crap just happened?
3:08 pm: Wow. Tigers up 4-0. Halladay owners have just collectively hung themselves. In the other game, Cubbies are up 4-1. Whoops, nope, check that. 4-2. Thank you ESPN Game Update. Oh, by the way, what's the point of giving you the option of 30 seconds, 60 second or 90 second updates. Does anyone choose to wait 90 seconds? Build up the anticipation a little bit? "Only 73 more seconds, and I'll know what's going on." I don't understand that
3:12 pm: Why is Fort Myers, FLA always referred to as "Sleepy" Fort Myers? I don't get it. That sounds like something someone once said that has inexplicably caught on. Is there a high level of carbon monoxide in the air? I can't explain it. Just like this ridiculous BK-Kim phenomenon. Where's the second K come from? Byung Kyung Kim? That's just silly. I really wish I was home.
3:17 pm: Oh Sh*t. 7-0 Tigers.
3:27 pm: White Sox game is on. Whatever. Konerko just doubled in two. He's back baby. Konerko is back. Maybe. I also just farted quite loudly in my cube. We'll see where this goes.
3:41 pm: Wow. Sandy Alomar Jr. busts out the beef stick and hits a homerun. His first since 1937.
3:51 pm: Meeting time. Wood falling apart. 5-4 Cubs. Late inning troubles as usual.
4:40 pm: Just sat through the longest meeting of my life. What the heck is going on today? It was probably around 583 degrees Kelvin in the conference room too. I was sweating in places that I didn't think I could. On a brighter note, Tony Womack, new Cardinals leadoff hitter, walked, then proceeded to steal 2nd base. And then 3rd. Glad I picked him up in my 5x5 league a few days ago. Makes me feel like a genius.
5:05 pm: I'm fading fast. I need to go home. Just had an interesting experience in the bathroom though. I was sitting there, reading, when I heard someone walk into the bathroom and go to the urinal. It was like they were pressure washing the porcelain. It was such a powerful piss. Blasting straight into the water. It was like he was filling up a bucket with a garden hose. I'd hate to see how narrow that urethra is. No, seriously, I don't want to see it.
5:08 pm: Cubs in control 7-4. Wood settled down. Drove in a run. That's fun. I wonder how pitchers feel when other pitchers get a hit against them? Does everyone make fun of them when they go back to the dugout? And pitchers can now lick their fingers? That's ok now? When did that memo go around?
5:35 pm: Womack walked twice and stole ANOTHER base. Me = fantasy genius. Cards and Brewers tied, 4-4.
5:41 pm: Just noticed that Phil Nevin hit a grand slam. I drafted him. He's on my bench. I'm officially no longer a genius. Eh, it was a good run.
5:45 pm: Ugh. Finally, time to go. Most games are all set. Matt Morris still giving me an ulcer, with an awful pitching performance (another brilliant fantasy move). White Sox seem ready to win. 7-3, bottom of the 9th. Should be interesting to see how Billy Koch fares. I'm surprised he's still the closer. I can't believe Ozzie Guillen is the manager. I think it would be great if they fired all the managers in the Central, and kept Ozzie Guillen, Tony Pena, then hired Shawon Dunston, Terry Pendleton and Ozzie Smith. Make it a throwback division. What the heck am I talking about?
6:00 pm: Driving home. Listening to everyone on Boston talk radio STILL talking about how Pedro is done. Such drama queens. Oh wow. Royals win 9-7. I guess Billy Koch isn't the closer anymore.
6:15 pm: Home now. Similar seat. Different computer. Looks like Marte blew the game. Well, Guillen had no faith in Koch, and now has no faith in Marte. Oh good, Cardinals lost 8-6. The Brewers contained the power that was Tony Womack. Walked twice though. I think that's a career high. I'm giddy like a schoolgirl at a pony show over Womack. Pathetic, I know.
That's like taking a girl out and making wild passionate love, only to find out on the second date that her name isn't Sarah, she's a tranny named Steve
7:15 pm: Astros and Giants. Reuter on the mound. Giants are in trouble. No seriously, Kirk Reuter is starting opening day. That means that after the fragile Jason Schmidt, the best they can traipse out there is this guy. Seriously, think about that. That's like taking a girl out and making wild passionate love, only to find out on the second date that her name isn't Sarah, she's a tranny named Steve . . . and that the "tuck-back" can really fool a feller. I think that's what Alou was quoted as saying about his staff. Something like that. I'm not quite sure. I predict the Giants will finish last in the West. I need a break.
8:55 pm: WOW. Ok, watching the Astros game. Astros up 4-1 in the 7th. 1 out, runners on 1st and 2nd. Up comes Bonds. Oswalt has looked great. Although, you can sort of tell he's running out of gas. He's up to 97 pitches. Here comes Jimmy . . . time to bring in Lidge . . . but wait . . . no . . . he's leaving Oswalt in. What's going on? He must think he's still coaching in Boston. Ok, Barry Bonds is going to hit a game tying homerun on the first pitch. It's going to be a fastball, which he'll be sitting on, and he's going to hit a homerun. How does Jimmy not know this? Even Grady Little is home shaking his head.
8:58 pm: Chris Berman comments, "That meeting on the mound took a little too long. Oswalt might be cooled off." (Sigh). Does it matter? This ball is gone. First pitch. Watch.
8:59.07 pm: The pitch. Fastball.
8:59.10 pm: Homerun. The Genius is back.
9:01 pm: Incredible. Too bad I don't like Bonds. He's got such a bad attitude for being, gee, I don't know, the greatest baseball player of this generation. It's just too bad. Oswalt looks confused. Jimmy Williams looks like he's about to get fired.
Nice to see he's a positive role model from the grave . . . and by grave, of course, I mean Cleveland.
10:20 pm: Do you know that 2Pac has a song called "Never Call U Bitch Again". Nice to see he's a positive role model from the grave . . . and by grave, of course, I mean Cleveland or whatever island he's hiding out on.
10:40 pm: UConn is whoopin' some ass. Big shock. Georgia Tech not looking so hot. How did they get the bi-product of a Luc Longley/Shawn Bradley love affair to play center for them?
10:48 pm: So Bob Odenkirk, of Mr. Show fame, is in a Miller ad. Weak. Not that I care that he's in the ad. The ad is just terrible. Good idea, poor ad. Sorry. Random, I know.
10:50 pm: Okafor is good.
10:51 pm: So weird to see Soriano in a Rangers uniform. I'm glad I bought a Yankees replica t-shirt of his last year. Money well spent. And, he walked in his first AB. What a weird day. The Rangers just aren't the same imposing lineup without Arod though. While Blalock, Young, Teixeira and Soriano are good, I think pitchers aren't as afraid. We'll see. Once again, I could be wrong.
10:59 pm: Hudson doesn't look too sharp. Nothing Texas is doing, really. Just doesn't have great command. It's still 2-1 Oakland. Jermaine Dye looks good. Man on a mission. I'm losing steam fast. I've been staring at a computer or television screen all day long.
11:05 pm: Kenny Rogers could pass as George Clooney's brother. Just an observation. And Bobby Crosby just popped out with the bases loaded. Billy Beane, who strangely enough, doesn't watch the games (according to Moneyball) must be thrilled.
11:30 pm: Uconn wins. No one is stunned. I'm happy for Okafor. Seems like a good kid. Here's a thought though. What happens, say, if Cleveland doesn't make the playoffs and gets the #1 or #2 pick in the NBA draft? LeBron and Okafor on the same team? Perhaps the East can finally put together a good team. We could be talking MJ and Scottie, Kobe and Shaq, Captain and Tennille proportions. I'm sure there'll be some lottery "magic" this year. I know nothing about basketball.
11:45 pm: Ok, I'm done. I'm fading fast. A's are up 4-2. I'm sure Hudson will leave with the lead and the bullpen will blow it for him. Happened 4 times last year. And that was with Keith Foulke as the closer (the only 4 saves he blew by the way). I'm sure it will continue this year. Oh well. Goodnight. Thanks for reading. Great day of baseball. Hopefully tomorrow will be even better.
'Till next time.
P.S.
9:10 am (Tuesday): Oakland's bullpen blew it for Hudson. Unbelievable. Seriously, if I saw this coming . . . what the heck is Ken Macha doing. Obviously not emailing me. His loss.
Greg is an average guy by day, and a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time to change the future . . . for one lucky lady, by night. And by that, we mean he's a total dork who loves to watch baseball and drink Bud Light, whilst brushing the Cheeto dust off of his Weezer t-shirt. He can be reached at gregATsportsblah.com.