The Colarado Casino, where we first see our bad-boy-gambler-yet-hero Eddie
Towne (Eddie Cibrian, "Third Watch") sitting at a table, winning money off
of an older, unsuspecting chap. Behind him, Bart "Lowball" Roger (Don MacManus,
"Magnolia") enters onto the casino floor, surrounded by a harem of henchmen.
Bart is the President of the Colorado Casino. He's also a creep, a douche
bag, and has an awful feathered hairdo to boot. He addresses his fellow slime-ball
pit bosses and warns them about the ever-growing gaggles of cheaters on the
casino floor. With the Big Stakes Poker Tournaments starting up soon, these
nebulous monsters come of the proverbial woodworks in proverbial droves, proverbially
of course. He also warned of Asian men wearing MIT sweatshirts, irritable
bowel syndrome and the possible side-effects of Cialis.
The
trash talking continues and seems to have that playful fun n' games feel to
it. That is, until the color of Clarke's jumpsuit came into question.
Focus shifts to a Hold em table where we see the delicious Miami (Kristin
Lehman, "Judging Amy"), flirtingly trying to decide whether to raise her bet
or to fold. The aforementioned bad-boy Eddie is now sitting at the table with
her, lobbing back her flirtatious volleys. Across from him is Clarke Marcellin
(Todd Williams, "Judging Amy"), who also appears to have an interest in this
blond, early year King of Queens, Leah Remini look-a-like. And, well nothing
wins over a girl at a poker table like blatant trash talking and posturing
between two strangers. With the testosterone filling the room like paparazzi
at a P-Diddy party, Miami decides to fold. "My daddy always told me when a
man talks that much, he's already made his hand." Interesting theory. It could
also mean he's a blubbering buffoon or generally just a Chatty Cathy, but
I digress. Either way, Eddie and Clarke continue to insult each other, point
counter point.
Meanwhile, Mr. Blonde himself, Don "the Matador" Everest (Michael Madsen,
"Reservoir Dogs"), the most famous and influential gambler in all the land,
walks in. He takes a quick glance at the escalating conflict and continues
to the back of the Colorado Casino. (. It should be noted that Eddie is white,
and Clarke is black. ) The trash talking continues and seems to have that
playful fun n' games feel to it. That is, until the color of Clarke's jumpsuit
came into question. You see, Clarke said something about his jumpsuit being
purple (words I can confidently say I've never uttered before in my life),
and Eddie retorted with something along the lines of "looks more like eggplant."
Clarke, doing what any rational human being would do . . . leapt over the
table, tackled Eddie to the floor and began punching him about the face and
breast. Once again, this was the result of one man calling another man's jumpsuit
eggplant. There's a lesson to be learned here.
Ok, I'm no Hardy Boy, but I think I see where this is going. I mean, is there
anyone not putting this together? They cut from ol' Floofy Hair talking about
cheaters to this wonder-trio at a table pulling these shenanigans. Is anyone
going to be surprised when we find out they're all on the same team here,
with some sort of "scheme" in mind?
Security escorts the combatants out of the casino, in that polite, "right
this way, sir" sort of way casinos tend to employ. In the foreground, Don
"the Matador" Everest begins talking to Bart "Lowball" Roger, (once again,
the casino President.) They're talking about the unruly commotion and begin
reminiscing about the times they used to run around "with their balls out"
like that. I'm not sure if we're supposed to interpret that literally. Two
men, balls out, running haphazardly throughout the streets. "Maybe one day,
I'll star in a Quentin Terrantino film". "I'm sorry Matador, I didn't hear
you over the loud fwapping of your testicles." Fun times.
Filmed in this artsy blue tint (or "gel", as they say in the "business"),
we're now in the bathroom of a Vegas convenience store where we see Eddie
and (gasp!) Clarke, washing up in the sink. What a complete and unexpected
surprise. Our two feuding foes (redundant?) are on the same side? I totally
didn't see this coming. Really, I'm shocked. Clark, dusting off his PURPLE
jumpsuit (with gold trim by the way) reflects, "Had to go racial didn't you?"
Eddie responded, "The crowd loves that . . . . . . (tenderly rubbing his chin)
. . . you had to go right cross, eh?" To which Clark predictably responds,
"Got to give the crowd what they want." Apparently, they let a third-grader
with a learning disability write this scene.
They
all agree they need some money, and set off to get some the only way they
know how . . . By robbing Chinese women.
So these two chums saunter out of the convenience store, and wait . . . wait,
hey, no way, there's Miami in the parking lot waiting for them. They ARE collaborating
together. Oh what a tangled web. Anyway, she says, "That went about as well
as it could have, let's see if Seymore was right." (don't worry, this gets
cleared up). They start talking about getting into a game with the Matador,
and getting they're ultimate revenge. But if they do so, they can't be perceived
as being on the same team. They all agree they need some money, and set off
to get some the only way they know how . . . By robbing Chinese women.
No, they're off to play cards.
There's some seriously intense music playing, much akin to the castle levels
in Super Mario Bros. We see a balding man grabbing cash from what appears
to be his hotel room. He's scurrying right along. I wouldn't have thought
anything of it, if it weren't for the music telling me otherwise.
Now we're back with our wonder-trio, driving in a convertible, heading out
to shady casinos in the desert. They're pontificating, reflecting really,
on the good ol' days. Eddie tells tall tales of playing in big games in the
big casinos. The delicious Miami abstains (ironic) from talking about her
past "until I know you guys better". And Clarke, well, he's spilling his soul
like a weepy J-Lo on Oprah. He reflects on the time when he got royally screwed.
"When it happened, if felt like ninja's were stabbing me with a sword. I couldn't
feel it going in, and I couldn't feel it coming out." (token "that's what
my girlfriend says" joke goes here) Apparently this Seymore they speak of
had mentioned to Clarke, after the fact, that he had been cheated (because
he didn't realize it at the time) That made him feel like he was stabbed again.
Yeah, I don't know.
Our nervous-nelly-balding guy from the hotel is trying to get into a no-limit,
high stakes poker game. The pit boss is trying to talk him out of it, encouraging
him to try a beginners table. The balding guy insists. Pit boss responds,
"it's all anyone wants to play now that they've put it on TV." (what a cute
little bit of irony, since it was ESPN who made poker take off, which this
guy is talking about, on the show on ESPN, about poker. In fact, the layers
of irony are so deep here, that it's actually ironic that it's ironic.) Anyway,
our balding lump of nerves here is named Lee Nickel. That tells us absolutely
nothing. But it will, trust me. Anyway, he's talked himself into the high-stakes
game, mainly because he flashed a wad of cash that would make G-Unit blush.
After being asked, "You ever play high stakes before", Nickel responded, "I
never opened up a hardware store before, but I turned out to be good at it."
Is it any wonder how Vegas makes money?
Back in a shady, crap-hole casino in the middle of nowhere, our wonder-trio
sits at different Hold em tables. Some rug rat looking kid interrupts Eddie's
game telling him that Seymore wants to see all of them. It should be noted
that they made a point of showing this kid in the Colorado Casino throughout
the first few scenes. Quick camera flashes, but there's something important
this kid is linked to. Oh, and the dealer at the table went on to mention
to Eddie that the kid had once crapped his pants. Fun times.
Eddie, Clarke and Miami are meeting with Seymore, who is an older, fatherly
looking gent. He tells them that they can't be seen in the casinos, primarily
the Colorado, playing together. They need to get serious. The trio explains
that they're trying to build up some bankroll. Collectively they're at about
$65,000. To which Seymore responds, "If we're going to hurt him (the Matador)
in a cash game, you've got to get out of the kiddie pool and start making
moves." Eddie got really offended. You'd think Seymore had just suggested
that his t-shirt was eggplant colored. He stands up angrily and tells Seymore
that he could take all his money if they were at a table right now. Seymore
explains to him that if all things were even, that would be true. But here
in Vegas, things are NEVER even.
(DUM-DA-DUMMMMMMM)
Sitting
there, right on the sink, was a good ol' fashioned prostitute. It was as if
she were waiting for the bus. And being the go-getter that she is, she wasted
little time.
Floofy hair (Bart Roger, the Colorado Casino President) and Don the Matador
are watching the evenings basketball games on a wall of televisions in a private
room. Bart gets some sort of text/Blackberry message explaining the Lee Nickel-wants-a-high-stakes-game
situation. He and the Matador begin laughing about it and wonder out lout
who should be playing when they screw this poor sap over. The Matador needs
to pee. He opens the bathroom door, and well wouldn't you believe it. Sitting
there, right on the sink, was a good ol' fashioned prostitute. It was as if
she were waiting for the bus. And being the go-getter that she is, she wasted
little time. She got on her knees, unbuckled the Matador's pants and, how
should I say this, gave him oral treats. Bart yells from the living room,
"He wants to play no limit." And as Don looks down at this helpful gal, he
simple responds, "Great."
Lee Nickel sitting at the high stakes table. And well, wouldn't you know
it, in saunters the Matador. He throws down a gold, $10,000 chip. Out of nowhere,
M. Night Shamalayan's stunt double comes stumbling in and asks Don the Matador
to autograph a copy of a book he apparently released. "Matador, your book
is the reason I'm here", Shamalayan 2.0 swooned. Hmm, I'm guessing that had
Everest not been, ahem, relieved, minutes earlier, this eager feller might
have been up for the task. Anyway, the Matador starts playing and drops $1,000.
He never looks at his cards. Nickel looks up and says, "You didn't even look
at your cards." The Matador responded, "I didn't have to, I saw you look at
yours." To which he responds, "I fold". (Ok, that was pretty cheesy, but pretty
bad-ass at the same time, I have to admit.) The Matador tells him that was
a smart move and that was his one "free" lesson (which cost him $1,000) and
that the next one would cost him. Nervous laughter ensues and engulfs the
table.
Eddie, Clarke and Miami are in an elevator. Miami says she's tired and is
going to bed. Naturally, the two guys head to a strip club. But they're not
there for the boobies. Oh no. We're talking serious gambling addiction here.
Forget the beautiful ladies at the Crazy Horse 2 or Spearmint Rhino. Nope.
No time for that. They're too busy heading off into some back room filled
with black guys right out of an NWA video. Two of these guys are arguing over
the poker game, and one pulls out a gun. At this point, I would say, "Um,
you win." Instead, the other guy pulls out his gun. Stuck at an awkward impasse,
they agree to not kill each other and compromise. Eddie the white guy looks
absolutely thrilled to be here. An older gentlemen thinks Eddie is a cop.
So they make him sit down and put his money down. $1,000 buy-in.
We're back to the high-stakes game with the bald guy and the matador. He
lands a pair of two's. Long story short, the Matador takes him for $24,000.
He looks quite nervous the whole time and when he loses, he just gets up and
leaves. Not a good day. Miami is lurking in the crowd, watching. Matador spots
her. There's an awkward moment.
Random tangent. Do you ever notice that you never see men named after major
geographical regions? It's only hot women. Miami, Nevada, Cheyenne, Charlotte,
Women of the Mesopotamia. Granted, it's probably for the best. How weird would
that group introduction be at a bar? "Hi ladies, I'm Greg. This is Phil, Mike,
Steve and, um, Oklahoma City." (awkward silence)
Apparently, Eddie and Clarke cleaned up in private smut shack game with gun
toting thugs. Eddie asks for half the money, claiming he dumped all his winnings
to Clarke. He said, "You know they wouldn't let a guy like me out of there
with all the money." Clarke reluctantly gives it to him and says, "When all
this is over, I can't wait to go head to head against you like Rocky and Apollo
Creed in Rocky III." Somewhere, Bill Simmons giggled.
WARNING: Plot twist. It looks like our friend Nickel, who just lost a lot
of money to the Matador, is back in his hotel . . . and he's a cop. Interesting.
At least he has what appears to be a sheriff's badge. He then sits on the
bed and pops in a video tape. Um, where is this going? On the screen appears
a guy who looks like Nickel. "Hi, my name is Dwayne Nickel . . . and yeah,
we used to cheat all the time." Dwayne goes on to talk about how the Matador
is a big-time cheater. What happens is, he gets a crew of henchmen in the
game with him and they bet up the pot. Slowly, they all fold. Then using subtle
motions like chip placement, hand gestures, coughs, they tell the Matador
what cards they had. While this doesn't guarantee victory, it swings the odds
by a huge margin to the Matador. That's such crap. Where have the ethics gone
in high-stakes gambling? I mean really. Anyway, Nickel starts to flashback
to his game earlier and they show how the Matador and his gang of merry jack
offs cheated him. He throws his remote in disgust. Not sure why he's pissed.
Might not really be a cop.
Hmm, maybe he should have watched the tape BEFORE betting all his money.
Just a thought.
Eddie and Miami are in a diner. She's telling him how she had just witnessed
the Matador mop the floor with some unsuspecting bald guy (Nickel). She went
over in detail the many ways in which he cheated to win. While completely
disgusted, Miami went on to say that there's something "mind controlling"
about the Matadors gaze. "He was looking at me and fitting me for shoes" (or
maybe a diaphragm, who knows). Anyway, they're not supposed to be around the
Matador, per orders of Seymor, but she didn't care. She wanted to sit and
play him one on one and take him down. There is some history there. A concerned
Eddie asked if he recognized her. She said no. "Did you dye your hair?", he
asked. Nope. Truth is, last time she saw him, she was 12.
Cuts to a flashback scene. A 12-year-old Miami is sitting at what appears
to be a poker table, when a younger, sleazy looking Matador sits next to her,
smiling like an immigrant at a petting zoo.
Nickel is in the Colarado Casino meeting with ol' Floofy hair. We learn a
few things. Apparently, his brother (in the video) got screwed by Matador
and the Casino (a common theme). He's there to somehow bring them down. But
at this moment, he's complaining to Bart Roger about how he got ripped off.
Apparently, he doesn't realize that ol' "Lowball" is in on the game too. Storming
out, Nickel turns down Floofy hair's offer of a comped room, and threatens
to go to the authorities. Roger then drops the bomb. "Sheriff Nickel, I know
who you are. And I know who your brother was. We kicked him out of these casinos
many years ago, and I have a feeling we'll be doing the same again." Basically,
the sheriff is looking to avenge his brother's misfortunes (perhaps death?
This is unclear). And Roger's tells him to "leave Vegas and be with what family
he has left."
Eddie goes to visit his mom, who lives in Vegas. She's a total deadbeat.
Obviously, she didn't do much in the way of raising him. Eddie slips some
cash in a jar on the mantle. Lots of back and forth about nothing. I got up
to get a snack.
Sheriff Nickel goes to the cops. They want nothing to do with him. He tells
them about the casino's cheatin' ways, but the police seem hesitant to do
anything, obviously. The casinos run the town. But it appears as if the police
have been waiting to take these guys down. They're not dismissing Nickel.
Eddie now in some backroom game. Totally mops floor with some foreign dude.
Go USA!!! Anyway, he meets this big gay bear of a man, wearing a bright Hawaiian
shirt, looking like Richard from Survivor. Anyway, he was impressed with his
card playing and he tells Eddie that he has an "in" with a major player. He
can hook Eddie up with him, but he has to prove himself first.
Miami bribes a bellhop into letting her into the Matador's personal suite.
This is the most random scene of the show. All of a sudden, she's walking
around in his place, for no apparent reason. She sits at the table and flashes
back to being a young 12-year old, gambling at that very table. A few interesting
things to note about the flashback: she was beating the crap out of everyone
at the table as a 12-year old, including this total guido who didn't want
to pay. AND, standing behind her, was Seymore. Perhaps her father? They never
clarified. Anyway, she takes money from this Italian feller, and then the
Matador sits down. That's all they're telling us right now. Bastards.
How
convenient, the tapes had JUST been erased. Had they come in an hour earlier,
they could have had all the tapes they wanted. Oh poo.
The big poker tournaments are starting and the Matador is being interviewed
by ESPN. The chairman (or owner . . . someone huge) of the Colorado Casino
starts talking to the Matador in careless whispers (we're never gonna dance
again . . . guilty feet have got no rhythm . . . ahem, sorry). Apparently,
the Colarado Casino has been losing money for 5 straight quarters. Looks like
Bart "Lowball and poofy haired" Roger is in trouble. What does the Matador
have to do with all of this? Who the heck knows.
Nickel and the police chief are meeting with Bart Roger's. They want to see
the tapes of the poker game where Nickel got ripped off. How convenient, the
tapes had JUST been erased. Had they come in an hour earlier, they could have
had all the tapes they wanted. Oh poo.
Tournament started. Apparently, Eddie had made some deal with old guy in
Hawaiian shirt and threw his match so he could win. Clarke is pissed. He happens
to be in the same game, and doesn't understand why he helped this guy win.
Later, Clarke confronts Eddie in front of Seymor and Miami. Eddie explains
he has an "in". Tempers flare. Seymore is pleased that he's working this angle.
Blue tint is back. The Matador is in a cement staircase talking to that random
pants-crapper that kept appearing throughout the episode. He asks the kid,
"I've been seeing you all over the place. Who are you and who do you work
for?" (who . . . does . . . number . . . 2 . . . work . . . for?
Meanwhile . . . Lee Nickel is beating some guy up against a van asking similar
questions, "Who is it?", "Who is it?" Then a gun comes out and the guy admits,
"The Matador, Don Everest."
I have no idea what the heck is going on.
Back in the staircase Don "the Matador" Everest goes into some clichd poker-themed,
tough guy monologue and concludes by curb stomping the kid's arm. "Who do
you work for?", he demanded. Obviously tired of keeping a secret, the kid
looked up and said . . .
Seymore Hennesey.
"In 1949, legendary gambler Nick the Greek Dandalos came to town and squared
off against Johnny Moss in a running no-limit poker game that lasted 4 months.
Crowds gathered every day to see if an out of towner could beat the best Vegas
had. Moss was up $4 million dollars before the Greek stood up and said, "Mr.
Moss, I have to let you go." And that's the way it usually comes out. When
you take on Vegas, Vegas wins."
