Tilt in Review: Episode 2

by Greg

I know I've already pissed 9 times today.
I guess I just really like your bathroom.

Alright. We're back for Episode 2 of ESPN's new series, TILT. Before we begin with the recap, here's a quick rundown of the major characters introduced in Episode 1.

Don "the Matador" Everst - The most famous gambler in all the land. He has allegedly ripped off everyone in the world. Now the target of everyone's vengeance. He's "friends" with Bart "Lowaball" Roger, the president of the casino. Together, they rip everyone off and club baby seals.

Bart "Lowball" Roger - The president of the Colorado Casino (setting of this show). Has a floofy, poorly parted hairdo. More importantly, he's a sleaze ball with no ethics who's been mismanaging the casino's fortunes and losing money like he was M.C. Hammer. He also smiles uncomfortably a lot and arranges for prostitutes to sit around hotel bathrooms to orally satisfy famous gamblers nicknamed the Matador.

Eddie Towne - The main character. A young buck that was once a fine poker player, before being bitch slapped by the evil, cheatin' hand of Don Everest. He was taken, big-time, and is seeking revenge. He also wouldn't mind learning Spanish, taking time off to travel and then finishing up his associates degree in business management at Ball State.

Clarke Marcellin - Son of an affluent college professor who got kicked out of college, and subsequently his family, for running a gambling ring out of his dorm room. He ended up in Vegas (naturally) and became a high roller. Then he got ripped off by, guess who? That's right, the Matador. He's out for revenge. He's teamed up with Eddie and Miami. He's also the token black guy. I suspect he'll be the first one to get killed off, per usual.

Miami - Hot, hot blonde. She was ripped off by Don Everest when she was 12. He pushed her off her tricycle and stole her Hello Kitty bag. She's been pissed since. No, that's not true. In a much more realistic story line, she was a professional card shark (at age 12) who was winning in high stakes poker games only to have the Matador cheat it away from her. That makes much more sense. Oh, she wants revenge too.

Seymour Hennesey - He's got something against Everest and Floofy hair. We're not yet sure what. But he's the organizer of the: Payback-is-a-Bitch-Don-Everest-Will-Smell-the-Underside-of-My-Balls-Fan-Club.

Lee Nickel - Quite possibly the worst actor in America. He's some crazy, wanna-be tough guy sheriff from Middle Earth, USA who is avenging the death of his brother. Guess who had him killed. Go ahead. One guess. That's right, Don Everest. Incredible how many people this guy has pissed off, isn't it? Anyway, he's trying to bring down the Matador AND the Colorado Casino (he hates ol' floofy hair too) in one sweeping, poorly acted motion. He's also trying to make the screen actors guild revoke his membership.

Ok, that should cover the basics. By the way, I'll try to be sparse on details like monologues and painful, non-breast related minutia in an attempt to keep this recap under 10 pages. (Sorry, didn't mean to break down the third wall right there.) Now that the ground rules are covered, I'll stop chatting like a 15-year-old girl at a Teen Beat convention and start reviewing. Let's get to Episode 2, shall we?

Our "hero", Eddie Towne is sitting at a Hold 'em table playing against a gentleman who is clearly from out of town, sporting a yellow-checkered sports coat that would make any retired NHL referee jealous. This guy looks like what I imagine Elton John's brother would look like if he sold lawn mower accessories. Anyway, he's trying to get a read on our friend Eddie. And when he asks if he should call, Eddie simply responds, "Never ask a barber if you need a haircut." Um, ok. (Editors Note: Never ask a prostitute if she can make change either. Just a waste of time, really.) Anyway, this stylish gent got lulled into an ill-advised all-in bet, and well, lost. (in the "I'm kinda lazy so make your own joke" portion of the review, pick your favorite Elton John song and draw a parallel to his "brothers" situation. Make the joke aloud and chuckle heartily. Thank you.)

In yet another awkward scene, Lee Nickel is weightlifting in some random, foggy gym when he confronts the casino guy who let him into the high stakes game. This is sort of confusing and it culminates with Crazy Nickel punching this guy in the face. This subplot sucks.

Eddie is sitting at a bar. The Matador saunters over to him and begins his pitch: "Hey Champ, you've got potential. You can make in the big leagues someday. You can be a star. All you have to do is help me cheat to salvage my rapidly fleeting reputation. Oh, and maybe I can get a few nude shots of you with it tucked back . . . you know, for my website. Think about it." (I'm paraphrasing of course.) Anyway, Don Everest is falling for the ploy, heading straight for the peanut butter in the mousetrap. Eddie has an in now. (side note: I use the Matador and Everest interchangeably. They are the same person. Don "the Matador" Everest.)

In yet another awkward scene, Lee Nickel is weightlifting in some random, foggy gym when he confronts the casino guy who let him into the high stakes game. This is sort of confusing and it culminates with Crazy Nickel punching this guy in the face. This subplot sucks.

In sashays Miami, in a sequin, backless, silvery ensemble. Wait, did you hear that? That was the sound of erections across America simultaneously ripping through the seams of unsuspecting pant-fronts. Wow. Words cannot express how amazing Miami looks in this scene. Even a normally subdued Clarke shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Anyway, there's a useless flashback scene that shows Clarke in his dorm room with his oppressive father. Back in the diner, Clarke is trying to figure out where Miami is going to play tonight. "You only dress like that when you want people to think you're playing with daddy's money. What hotel are you going to?" She tells him "it's not in a hotel" and s l o o o o o o w l y walks away. Dear Tivo, thanks for slow motion, rewind and ahem, pause. Sincerely, Greg.

Miami arrives at her game and the table is surrounded by a bunch of suckazzzz ready to be taken of all their cash . . . oh, and Clarke. Surprise! Hmm, isn't this interesting. Miami goes to the bar, and Clarke approaches her. She's not pleased. She is wondering why he's intruding in on her game. "Seymour says no doubling up. You're beefing my action, " she said. "My action now," replied Clarke, doing his best 12-year old impression. She's pissed. He stole her game. She leaves. That probably means she's changing out of that outfit. I'm sad. Ah well, it was a good run.

Eddie is sitting in Bart Lowball's office with the Matador and the Richard-from-Survivor looking feller from the first episode. Remember him? The one who had an "in" with the Matador? Anyway, the Matador goes into this delusional diatribe where he says that he's a big target. Everyone comes to the casino to try and cheat him. He needs to keep things on "even keel". Blah, blah. Basically, he's trying to rationalize his cheatin' ways. Eddie looks like he wants to throw up in his shoe.

The casino owner responded by Hulking Up and bitch slapping ol' floofy hair across the face. "Stop whining", he said in his best Schwarzeneger voice, . . . head to the chopper now."

Oh good, another Lee Nickel scene. Ol' Crazy Pants confronts Seymour in a bar and tells him he wants Everest. But not in that spooning-in-the-park sort of the way. He wants to get his poorly acting hands on him. Seymour plays dumb. Tells Nickel that he never even knew his brother. And he says that he should start throwing some money around. People might start telling him something. (Yawn!)

Miami is at a hold 'em table playing against some random guy, Brad, who looks like he's an official card carrier of Date Rapists of America. Using shameless flirting, Miami tricks this buffoon into going all-in. She alludes to going out to dinner with him after the hand. And before Brad knows it, he's broke and shirtless, rocking back and forth like Terry Francona. After losing everything, he looks up at Miami and says, "Well, at least we're still on for dinner. I just gotta stop by the ATM . . ." Miami, putting on her bitchy ex-girlfriend mask responds, "No, I only date card players." He retorts, "Well, I am a card player." (Poor, delusional bastard.) "No, you play cards. There's a big difference." Ouch.

Eddie and the Matador are milling around a poker table. Suddenly, this incredibly hot brunette sporting a leopard print fur coat comes over to Everest. This, ladies and gentlemen, is his HOT daughter, Dee. Oh man, she's smoking hot. Somewhere, I'm sure Miami is looking her over, thinking "slut". Anyway, she sits down and starts whining about how she needs a certain amount of money to live the way she wants. Typical spoiled, rich girl talk (think Paris Hilton at the dinner table). Matador gives her a "stack and a half" of chips. He asks her if this will keep her out of a two-woman show at a strip club. (I'm hoping, of course, that it doesn't.) She says, "maybe" and my hopes are still high. During this conversation, Eddie has his head down, trying not to pry. As she walks away, she glances back at him and smiles coyly. She's apparently feeling the itch for our boy Eddie. Oh and she looks like she's done this before.

Keeping the "ridiculously hot" theme going, we're now back with Miami. She is talking to Seymour and he's letting her in on Eddie making it "in" with the Matador. Seymour is talking about the money, the women, the lifestyle that will come with all of this, and he's hoping that Eddie can separate himself from that. Suddenly, Mr. Cheery Pants, Clarke, walks in. Miami doesn't look happy to see him. She pulls out her winnings from the night before: an enormous P-Diddy wad of cash. Clarke, on the other hand, claims to have not won anything. "Just didn't fall my way." He then tried to coax them into a get rich quick pyramid scheme involving long distance providers, Chinese hookers and board games. Ok, maybe not. But Seymour did send him off to play in some random game at some random casino with a $2,000 buy in. Close enough.

Clarke walks out. Miami follows him. She gives him a Lombardi-esque lecture on teamwork and voices her displeasure with him not only stealing her game, but lying about the 20K that he won in said game (her friend runs the game, so she knew). Clarke flashes back to his college days and getting his gambling ring busted in his dorm room. The scene ends with his dad asking, "Is it about the money? I didn't give you enough?" To which Clarke responds, "It's not about what I'm given, it's about what I can get for myself." Hmm, powerful stuff. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Floofy hair is talking to the owner of the Colorado Casino. He's trying to throw his old buddy the Matador under the bus. He goes on this lengthy harangue about poker becoming too big. He makes some thin analogy about golfers eating steaks (yeah, I don't know). Lowball went on to say that he thought that the popularity of the Matador was bringing down the casino. The casino owner responded by Hulking Up and bitch slapping ol' floofy hair across the face. "Stop whining", he said in his best Schwarzeneger voice, ". . . head to the chopper now." Actually, he told him that he should just shut up and do his job. If he did that, there would be no problem. That's what he pays him for.

Eddie is in the Matador's suite. Everest, in his typical delusional nature, goes on to say that if he were somehow able to remove the element of luck from his opponent's portfolios, he'd never lose. People only beat him because they get lucky. And speaking of lucky, in enters Dee, his smoking hot daughter. She looks at Eddie and says, "so you're working for my dad now?" Defensively, and in denial, Eddie responds, "No, I don't work for him." Smooth. Of course, it seemed to have worked. Matador left the room and she leans in to Eddie and says, "You look promising. If you don't work for him, maybe I could put you to work." (You look promising? What? Who says that? "Hey there sport, you look promising. Can you throw a slider? How about rim jobs?") Either way, Eddie is going to get lucky, and even though this is 100% fiction, I really think they have serious feelings for each other.

"Yeah, part of getting it done is making them believe that they lost and not that you took them. It's good for repeat business."

Miami gets confronted in the Colorado by Brad the Date Rapist. He's pissed he got punk'd. "You cost me a lot of money", he snarled, "You're going to pay me back one way or another." I'm guessing he doesn't mean he'd like her to invest in treasury bills in his name while letting the interest compound, providing a safe and equitable long-term investment solution he and his family. I could be wrong though. Anyway, the Matador races in and saves the day. He grabs Brad the Date Rapist and throws him against some slot machines. "I don't think the lady appreciates your actions". Miami looks at the Matador and thanks him. "Table disagreement", she says. The Matador looks at her and says, "Yeah, part of getting it done is making them believe that they lost and not that you took them. It's good for repeat business." For a group that's trying to lay low and bamboozle Everest (aka. The Matador), they really do stumble across him a lot. Bunch of dummies.

Miami goes back to her hotel room. Clarke is there. He feels guilty and gives her the 20K he won in the game he stole from her. Miami is giving it to Seymour, per usual. Clarke asks, "Why do you treat him like a father?" Miami then explains her past. You see, Seymour and Everest used to run the sports book at the Colorado. Her dad was in jail and she was making money for his bail by playing cards (as a 12 year old, of course). She almost had enough when the Matador took her for everything. The next day, she received a post-dated betting slip for 40K (from a game from the day before) from Seymour. When she tried to cash it, they wouldn't honor it. Seymour was in the hospital, beaten almost to death by . . . you guessed it . . . the Matador and Floofy hair. Her father ended up dying in jail. "Seymour had given up everything to try and help me, " she said. Of course, if Seymour had half a brain, he probably would have just given her 40K out of his own finances, since he probably made a ton of money, instead of trying to pull off the impossible with that half-assed betting slip trick. Anyway, that's why Miami sort of looks at Seymour as a father figure.

Ok, this is starting to get lengthy again. Time for lightning-round style summary.

Crazy Nickel is being, you know, crazy and he found a picture of Seymour and his brother at a golf tournament. Now he knows that Seymour knew his brother. So, you know, he's got that going for him.

The show ends with our happy couple, post-coitus, in bed. She's sleeping on his chest. He's staring off into the distance enjoying the sweet taste of revenge, and the warm tingling sensation of having his salad tossed.

Floofy hair shows the Matador a picture taken by a private investigator of Nickel and Seymour talking in the bar. Each grimaces simultaneously. How cute.

Finally, Eddie is sitting there watching television when Matador's smoking hot daughter, Dee, lets herself into his room wearing a small mini-skirt. She proceeds to straddle him and removes all of her clothing. Yeah, I remember the last time that happened to me . . . it was last, um, . . . never. The show ends with our happy couple, post-coitus, in bed. She's sleeping on his chest. He's staring off into the distance enjoying the sweet taste of revenge, and the warm tingling sensation of having his salad tossed.

Oh what oh what will happen next?

'Till next time.