The Worst 2005 NBA Preview, Guaranteed
by Greg and Rob
I don’t know anything about the NBA. Well, at least not much after 1995. You want to talk about MJ, Barkley, Bird, Magic, Dominique, Drexler etc. I’m your man. But for the past 10 years, I’ve maintained a less intense, more conversational knowledge of the game. I know that LeBron is good, Bonzi Wells is not and Danny Ainge’s master plan is to destroy the psyche of every Celtics fan in America. But the details? The in-depth roster knowledge? No idea. I’m the guy who would join your fantasy league and trade Chris Bosh for Karl Malone, because, “Dude, it’s the Mailman”. So when we here at the Blah thought about writing a 2005 NBA Preview, we couldn’t think of a better person to write it than me. So to preview the 2005 NBA season, we came up with the 12 most important questions we thought needed answering. We then invited Blah guest contributor and NBA aficionado, Rob, to join us to add some legitimacy to this stupid thing. Of course, as you'll soon see, it didn't. Rob and I took turns answering the questions seperately. Rob in his typical all-knowing, drunken ramble. And me, well, I just made stuff up as I went along. 1. Which rookies do you think will make the biggest impact this season?
Rob: There are a number of candidates for impact rookies this year- Chris Paul, Hakim Warrick, and Ryan Gomes. Even Gerald Green and Monta Ellis will provide highlights. But the real impact is going to come from Derron Williams. The Utah Jazz have a ton of talent on the front line in Andrei Kirilenko, Carlos Boozer, Mehmet Okur, and Matt Harpring, but they didn’t have anyone to get them the ball last year. Carlos Arroyo wasn’t the answer but it certainly looks like Derron is going to be. He played four years in a great college program and should be ready to step right in and contribute. He may not put up the best numbers of the rookie point guards, but he will have the most impact on his team’s record.
Greg: Aside from Bogut and the Illinois guard (Williams?) I don’t really know the names of any rookies. But I can tell you this for certain. There will be a white guy from Duke who will under-perform off the bench, a black guy from Kentucky who will never live up to expectations, an over-hyped foreign player who will not be as good as advertised and an undersized player from Boston College who will be playing in Europe in three years. 2. Which player will emerge as the biggest surprise of the season?
Rob: Every year a player wins the Most Improved Player Award because his numbers jump significantly from one year to the next. John Hollinger on ESPN has pointed out continually that this is most often the result of an increase in playing time and not an improvement in a player’s per minute production. This year, I expect one player to break this tradition because he’s actually taking the leap from excellence and obscurity to household name: Pau Gasol. For a number years now, Pau has carried the Grizzlies with no support from players such as Bonzi Wells and Jason (white guy) Williams. This year, the Logo has surrounded him with role players and veterans that can do the little things and will allow the Spaniard to emerge as the All Star that he truly is. Greg: Manute Bol. Can’t you see it now? The Pacers struggling, going on a 12 game losing streak. Then all of a sudden, in the middle of the 2nd quarter against the Pistons, the lights go off. “The Final Countdown” starts blaring. And Bol, fresh out of retirement, zip lines down from the ceiling wearing full Pacers garb. He goes on to average 0.9 pts and 32.0 blocks a game leading the Pacers to an ultimate loss in the Eastern Conference semifinals. 3. Should the Celtics trade Paul Pierce?
Rob: Yes. I think the Celtics need to welcome the youth movement with open arms. Let’s see a starting five of Delonte West (but Orien Greene will be taking over soon), Ricky Davis, Justin Reed, Al Jefferson, and Raef LaFrentz. You could also put Tony Allen in there instead of Reed, but I love having the defensive stopper on the court. LaFrentz is going to pull the big men out of the lane and give Jefferson some room to work and develop his low post game. And even though Pierce is an incredible talent that can’t be replaced, Ricky Davis doesn’t get nearly enough credit for all the things that he does. Danny? Doc? Let’s make it happen.
Greg: No. How do you trade a player who looks exactly like Jay-Z? Seriously. There should be a rule against this. Is it because Jay-Z has never quite been recognized commercially as one of the greatest rappers ever? I'm sure if Pierce looked like P-Diddy, there's no way we'd even be having this conversation. He deserves better, if you ask me. Has Ainge even heard the "Black Album"? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Greg: What the hell kind of question is this? The Suns were all 6'9"? Dude, I have no idea. I'll tell you what I do know though. I know that when a man dresses up as a gorilla or and/or a lion and jumps off a trampoline and dunks a basketball during a halftime show . . . I know that THAT is awesome.
I spend most of my time building elaborate G.I.Joe battle stations out of Lego's.
5. Can anyone beat the Spurs?
Rob: Anything’s possible. I agree with most experts that the Spurs are still the team to beat. With the core of Duncan, Manu, and Mr. Longoria and a supporting cast that could and have started on most contenders, Pop and his kids may be running the league or a few more years. Of course, that doesn’t mean that everyone else should just go home. The Heat, Pistons, and Pacers are as deep and scary as any team we’ve seen in the East in a really long time. Any one of those teams could take it all, but I expect the teams in the East (isn’t it amazing how quickly the power shifted away from the West?) to beat each other up during the play-offs.
Greg: Tim Duncan is shy. And because of that, the Spurs are vulnerable. Just start chatting him up in the middle of a game and watch him cower in the corner. This is the strategy most teams should use. I'm not sure why this isn't done more often. Ok, why am I not a professional basketball coach? Seriously, with ideas like this, I probably should be.
6. Will the Pistons ever admit Darko was a mistake? Can a new coach salvage anything?
Rob: Who says Darko is a mistake? Even Larry Brown said that he showed an incredible amount of talent in practice. We have to remember that he lost much of his rookie season to injury and that Brown is notorious for not having faith in young players. Remember, Brown is the same coach that basically benched Lebron James and Dwayne Wade during the Olympics. Darko’s coming along nicely this year and it looks like Flip Saunders has some faith in him. With some renewed confidence and a front court that isn’t getting any younger, I think that we can start to see some of the talent that made Darko the number 2 pick in the draft. Oh, and look out for Carlos Delfino to take a big step forward as well.
Greg: Joe Dumars, meet Sam Bowie. Sam Bowie, meet Joe Dumars. Has this joke been made before? Am I not breaking new ground here? Probably not, right? Hey, I don't know, I spend most of my time defending my Underground Hardcore Intercontinental Title and building elaborate G.I.Joe battle stations out of Lego's. So, you know, if the joke has been made before, if it's not "fresh", I apologize. How about this one? ... Hey, did you ever notice how Robert Horry looks just like Will Smith? (honk, honk).
7. How many times will A.I. violate the league dress code?
Rob: (see question 8)
Greg: Why is everyone making such a big deal about what the players are wearing? Who cares? Hey, look, I'm not saying it's a racist thing. BUT . . . I’m sure if David Stern looked good in a purple suit or a skull cap and a Ladanian Tomlinson replica jersey, he’d have no problem with any of it. But to answer your question, 33 times.
The closest thing Perdue gets to that sort of awesomeness is I hear he wears a cape when he takes a dump.
8. What are three things the NBA could do to try to regain it's place alongside the NFL and MLB among the general sports consciousness?
Rob: I’ve decided that questions 7 & 8 should be answered together because they answer each other. I understand a lot of the sentiment that the new dress code is a form of racism because the league is asking players to do away with sideways hats, do-rags, chains, and throwbacks and asking them put on Dockers and a Polo. Well this goes far beyond the professionalism that David Stern is trying to instill in all of the kids filling the league benches. Players are saying that the league is trying to take the hip hop out of the players, but it is really trying to sell its product to Middle America. There majority of the players in the league are African-American and there is a large percentage of fans that are also African-American, but Stern has come to realize that the blue collar fans of Ohio and Texas can’t identify with anyone on the court. I don’t want to see the league become a white washed version of itself because one of the things that makes the other leagues so attractive to the majority of the world is the diversity. That diversity comes from stars from multiple ethnic and cultural back grounds. If the NBA doesn’t have that diversity in its stars or the ability to draw the attention of its target market, Stern has to step in and make some changes.
Greg: Stop worrying about what everyone is wearing. Get rid of two-line passing. Allow nunchucks.
9. Who will be this year’s surprise team?
Rob: Look for Houston and Charlotte to take big steps forward this year.
Greg: The Boston Celtics. Come on, who's with me? Yankees suck! Yankees suck! Come on! Yankees suck! Whooooooooooooo! HaHa. Dude ...High five!
10. Is there any way to measure how much David Stern hates Mark Cuban?
Rob: I’m pretty sure they measure that by counting the money coming out of Mark’s pocket and landing in David’s hand.
Greg: You could ask.
11. Will there be any major trades this season?
Rob: Usually I hate to predict this stuff early in the year because there are so many thing that have to fall in place for a major trade to take place during the season. The real issue is that it’s almost impossible to get full value back for a superstar in season because the team trading for him needs to keep talent in order to compete that same season. With that said, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Steve Francis and Al Harrington both go to contenders. I’ll also let you know that regardless of me asking for it to happen, the Celtics are not going to trade Pierce.
Greg: I have no idea, but I'm sure somehow Isaiah Thomas will find a way to cry.
12. Kurt Rambis (-12) vs. Will Perdue? Who wins?
Rob: When I first saw this question, I was pretty sure that I was taking the sports goggles in this one. And then I had trouble remembering if Will Perdue was the Australian guy or the chicken guy. Finally, I realized that Will Perdue was a key cog during the championship runs in Chicago. Because of that, I’ve got to with ESPN’s newest Insider. I’m such an Insider whore…I apologize.
Greg: Dude. Kurt Rambis. Landslide. No one can handle the sheer power of the Rambo. You don't think with those glasses, he looked a little Superman-esque? What other mere mortal could average 5.4 PPG and program in C++? The closest thing Perdue gets to that sort of awesomeness is I hear he wears a cape when he takes a dump. I mean, who doesn't, right? But, seriously, he does.
And this officially concludes the worst 2005 NBA Preview ever. I'm sure you learned nothing. Thank you.
The Mailman can still bring
the pain, right?"Excuse me, Commisioner Stern, do you hate Mark Cuban?"
"Oh yes."
"How much would you say you hate him?"
"Very much so."
"Scale of 1-10. 8.5? 9?"
"Oh, probably 12."
"Oh. Wow. How, um, clevr. You hate him so much, you actually gave me a number that was more than the parameters of the scale I gave you. Wow. That was really great. You must really hate him, eh?"
"I sure do."
"Haha."
"Haha."
"Haha."
(punch to shoulder)