Calling All Angels: Game 1 from a Sox Fan's
(ok, Boston-based A's Fan's)
Perspective
by Josh Bob
I can't say that I'm looking forward to this game, since my A's should really
be playing the Red Sox, but the Sox are a big part of the Boston culture, so
I've got to watch. Plus, it's more interesting than the Cardinals blowing out
the hapless Dodgers.
3:58pm - Where's the game? The Cards-Dodgers are on ESPN, poker is on "The Deuce," and the Sox game is nowhere to be found.
4:00pm - Found the game. It's on ESPN2 now - preempting poker. That's actually a surprise, given how popular poker is these days.
4:03pm - Chris Berman has the worst comb over in the history of hair. And Tony Gwynn is the whitest-sounding black man alive.
4:06pm - Since when is it acceptable to have Mr. Peanut dancing in a commercial? And let me just state for the record - if I ever run into the guys from the McDonald's "Chicken Selects" commercials, it's quite possible that I'd have to punch them. These commercials violate Rule #1 of "Josh's Rules of Advertising," which is, "Never present something as being as good as crack cocaine, because odds are it's not even close."
4:08pm - Johnny Damon is Chris Berman's "key to the whole series," and then Boomer refers to Bill Mueller as "Billy" and Gabe Kapler as "Welcome Back Kapler." I'm not sure how long I'll be able to take this.
4:10pm - Johnny Damon is the first out, on a popup to Mini-Me (aka David Eckstein).
4:11pm - Vlad Guerrero makes a good running catch on a Mark Bellhorn liner and limps back to right field. This is definitely a positive sign for those Sox fans worried about his impact on the series (aka all of them).
4:15pm - Manny Ramirez blasts one off the heel of Chone "Don't Call Me Shawn - OK, Call Me Shawn, Just Don't Spell it That Way" Figgins' glove for a two-base error that somehow gets ruled a base hit. Manny's helmet falls off en route to second base.
4:16pm - David Ortiz hits a grounder to short right field that Alfredo Amezaga muffs. Manny's helmet falls off en route to home plate, where he scores the first Boston run.
4:17pm - My roommate wanders in, wondering what happened, since the cable is out in his room and his room alone. Kevin Millar promptly lines a hard foul down the left field line - the first of his contractually obligated 265 “hard fouls down the left field line” for the post-season.
4:20pm - Did someone tell Chris Berman that Vlad Guerrero changed his name to "MVP Candidate Vlad Guerrero?"
ESPN switches the game back to the primary channel. I knew they couldn’t get away from poker for very long.
4:22pm - Curt Schilling strikes out Figgins on three pitches to start the bottom of the first.
4:24pm - Guerrero tees off on an inside fastball, causing a collective intake of breath in Boston that may have been audible in New York. Manny manages to keep his hat on while making the catch.
4:27pm – ESPN switches the game back to the primary channel. I knew they couldn’t get away from poker for very long.
4:30pm – Darin Erstad does his best Willie Mays impression on a foul down the right field foul line. I’m privately impressed.
4:32pm – The camera catches Pokey Reese spitting on the dugout ground and being unable to get the spit out of his mouth, which is a solid “8” on the 10-point scale of things that I didn’t really need to see.
4:33pm – “Billy” Mueller walks, and suddenly Jarrod Washburn’s throwing all over the place. Gabe Kapler then grounds out to Washburn, and suddenly the inning is over.
4:38pm – Rick Sutcliffe mentions that Anaheim led the league in something called “Productive Outs.” Jeff DaVanon flies out to Manny – this is not an example of a “productive out.”
4:48pm – Chris Berman states that Theo Epstein had “Chutzpah” to make some of the moves he had, as the camera shows Theo, and I'm left wondering - if Theo's last name were "Galactiewicz," would Boomer still say it took "Chutzpah"?
4:51pm – Washburn strikes out Manny on a … shall we say, “low” pitch. I hope it’s not going to be one of “those” series.
4:52pm – Patrick Stewart (aka “Captain Picard” and “Professor Charles Xavier”) narrates a rhyming commercial for “Crestor,” which is either a drug to lower your cholesterol or an evil toothpaste monster.
4:54pm – Amezaga comes to bat. Question: Is his .166 average the lowest season average ever for a player in an ALDS starting lineup? How does Mike Scioscia feel about trotting out a starter batting well below the Mendoza line?
4:55pm – Curt Schilling lets us know that he doesn’t believe in the “Curse of the Bambino,” because he’s a Christian and doesn’t believe in curses. OK. Does that mean that Gabe Kapler doesn’t believe in Johnny Damon?
5:01pm – “MVP Candidate Vlad” (which sounds like an action figure) comes up with two on and one out, and swings at the first pitch (again), flying out to Kapler in right. Another big breeze escapes from New England. The amazing thing is that the ball came off the end of his bat – if he’d hit that squarely, it might still be traveling.
5:03pm – Orlando Cabrera makes a great play on a Garret Anderson grounder to save a run and end the inning. Nomar Garciaparra, watching at home, throws the remote at the TV – but he misses and it ends up in the opposing team’s dugout.
5:08pm – Kevin Millar (whose facial hair makes him look like a goat) blasts a low pitch into the left-field stands right after David Ortiz walks on four pitches, giving the Sox a 3-0 lead. Somehow, Rick Sutcliffe manages to bring Bill Murray into the ensuing conversation.
5:10pm – Jason Varitek rips a base hit to left, changing the commentators’ tone from “Washburn is looking sharp” to “Time for Scioscia to call the bullpen.”
5:16pm – Bases loaded, one out for Jesus Damon after a surprising base hit by Kapler.
5:18pm – Chone Figgins finally gets that error he’s been trying for all game when he throws Damon’s grounder away attempting to get Varitek out on a force at home. Varitek scores, Cabrera scores, Figgins cries, and Washburn walks to the dugout after Scioscia pulls him for Scot “Gimme a T!” Shields.
5:24pm – Mark Bellhorn strikes out, and Boomer almost says that Bellhorn just did “what he does best” – opting at the last second to say “what he does a lot.”
5:25pm – Manny Ramirez pulls a 3-run jack to center. I’m officially happy to be watching this game.
5:26pm – My buddy Mark calls and mentions his idea of an “Opener” instead of a Closer. Curt Schilling is the poster boy for this idea, since he gets so much run support. He claims Schilling should come out for the first two innings of every game and get run support, then let another pitcher take over. This leads me to wonder why the Red Sox can score 8.8 runs a game for Schilling, but what seems like only a run and a half for Pedro – until Troy Glaus blasts off for a 800-foot home run, breaking up Schilling's shutout.
5:31pm – The “Bottom Line” tells us that Scottie Pippen has retired. Scottie Pippen’s stats tell us that Scottie Pippen retired three years ago.
5:35pm – I officially love the Cabrera / Garciaparra trade. Nomar has probably turned orange by now.
5:37pm – The “Chicken Selects” commercial is followed immediately by one of the greatest commercials of our time, the Starbucks “Eye of the Tiger” parody. “Glen! Glen Glen Glen!” I'm torn between wanting to injure my TV and wanting to kiss it.
Boomer starts naming different types of Rally Apes. Somebody please tell him he’s not funny.
5:42pm – Roger Clemens vs. Jaret Wright in Game 1 of the NLDS. They should wear Throwback uniforms.
5:45pm – Boomer starts naming different types of Rally Apes. “Rally Gibbon”? Somebody please tell him he’s not funny.
5:51pm – My buddy Paul arrives and starts off by referring to Vlad as “The Man Who Will Swing at Anything.” Vlad subsequently sees a personal record five pitches before striking out.
5:56pm – Johnny Damon hits a double, challenging Vlad’s arm, and Chris Berman excitedly says, “Safe!”as Damon slides into second. Paul comments on a lack of pitch count graphic for Schilling, for the eighth time.
6:00pm – Darin Erstad’s beard is ridiculous. He looks like he’s one flannel shirt away from going hunting.
6:01pm – The first “I’m Glad Derek Lowe isn’t Starting a Game This Series” comment of the day is made.
6:02pm – I’ve got to watch SportsCenter after the game to see why Ricky Williams might want to make a comeback. I’ve got “ran out of ‘Cheech and Chong’ movies to watch” in the pool.
6:09pm – Millar makes an outstanding diving stop to start what almost ends up as a double play. Paul points out that Schilling almost took Cabrera’s throw “in the bread basket.”
6:13pm – Bases loaded, two outs for rookie Dallas McPherson, who promptly grounds out to second on the first pitch. I almost feel sorry for the Angels.
6:18pm – Kevin Millar hits another ripping base hit, then leaves for a pinch runner (Doug Mientkiewicz, in a bid for the award of “Most Unlikely Pinch Running Appearance”). It’s hard for me to hate Millar with the passion that I used to have.
6:19pm – Curt Schilling’s wife is hot. That is all.
6:21pm – Paul just now realizes that Schilling was drafted by the Red Sox. “I feel like that might have been in some of the news stories,” he says.
6:24pm – It’s entirely possible that Chris Berman has been drinking. “It’s Seventh-Inning Stretch time here in Anahoym…”
6:25pm – “Snakemaster.” That’s the new show from Animal Planet. I repeat: “Snakemaster.”
It’s entirely possible that Chris Berman has been drinking.
6:29pm – The UPS guy delivers a package and suggests that the Sox pull Schilling to see if Lowe can “get some outs.” My roommate, who refers to said pitcher as “Derek Blow,” attempts to throttle the UPS guy.
6:31pm – Erstad blasts off to give Angels fans false hope. 8-2 Sox.
6:32pm – Vlad golfs one to Kapler in right. How does he even hit these pitches?
6:33pm – Schilling does his Nomar impression, throwing wildly to first on a sure-fire third out. Garret Anderson ends up at third base. Red Sox fans all over the country are hailing this as a sign of the apocalypse.
6:35pm – Glaus drives in Anderson on a long double to drive Schilling out of the game. Prepare the suicide machines.
6:41pm – The Olympus Verve is a designer digital camera ("with six colors to choose from!"). I’m greatly disturbed.
6:42pm – Special appearance by Doug Flutie, sitting next to a man wearing an old school Patriots jersey. In the mean time, Manny is oblivious as he nearly gets trampled in the on-deck circle by Erstad, who is chasing down a foul ball.
6:46pm – Chone, now playing second base, turns in a great play to nail Manny at first. Ramon Ortiz gets the assist when he takes the ball off his wrist.
6:48pm – In what is sure to go down as the most underappreciated piece of managing in the history of baseball, Mientkiewicz lays down the epitome of a perfect 2-out suicide squeeze, scoring Johnny Damon for the Red Sox’ fifth insurance run.
6:54pm – Why does Varitek have to stand up prior to every high fastball that he calls for? Isn’t that a sure-fire indicator to the hitter not to swing?
6:55pm – Which is more ridiculous: Derek Lowe’s 5.42 ERA, or Bronson Arroyo’s corn rows? Both are valid reasons for leaving the player off the post-season roster, but only one of the players is in his contract year.
7:01pm – Something disturbs me greatly about the Burger King “Wake Up With the King” commercial, but I can’t put my finger on what it is.
7:02pm – Speaking of disturbing, who is that covering “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, and – more importantly – why?
7:07pm – Fourth time I’ve seen the Tony Sirragusa Right Guard commercial, and I’m ready to keel over myself. Paul notes, “You know, I can almost smell it from here.”
7:09pm – Bottom of the ninth. Chone Figgins strikes out looking. It’s time for the commentators to talk about tomorrow’s game.
7:10pm – I’ve finally realized what it is that Millar, Mientkiewicz, and Nixon are doing with their facial hair – they’ve all bought the ever-popular Chia Chins.
7:12pm – Two outs after another strikeout looking. Vlad comes up, setting the stage for a potential meaningless home run that gets more of that “MVP” talk going.
7:13pm – I was way off. Timlin strikes out the side, Red Sox win. Finally, a relaxing Red Sox playoff game. What are the odds? I think I’m ready for bed.