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In the magical place I work, we have no dress code. Well, mesh shirts and cock rings are frowned upon, but outside of that, they trust us to make sound wardrobe decisions. Jeans or shorts, and t-shirts are the garments of choice for me. What's my point? Well, I have this Chicago Bears t-shirt (pictured) that I occasionally wear to work. But it's a strange phenomenon. Everytime. I mean EVERYTIME I wear this shirt, at least one person looks at it and feels the need to say, out loud, "DAAAA BEARZ!" That's one person, minimum. Usually at least three. It's cute. In the same way rhinoceros attacks are cute. I get it, it was a funny skit. Let's move on. Every time I walk by the chubby girl who blew half of my company's finance department, I don't blurt out "FAAAT WHORE!" do I? No. I giggle quietly to myself and I picture them picking the remnants of a ham sandwich out of their pubes. But I keep it to myself.

Anyway, Bears are 1-1. I can't tell you how annoyed I was that we lost to the fucking Chargers, yet the Patriots defeated them soundly. Rex needs to learn how to handle that blitz, although his checking down seems to have improved. Big test this Sunday against the Cowboys. Their soft secondary should prove quite essential in the Bears plans of scoring touchdowns via the pass via Rex's arm via Bernard Berrian's hands. So if Rex can't produce, I will start to worry. I'm also glad the game is on NBC. One, because I think they do a relatively good job of covering the game. But also, because I don't live anywhere remotely near Chicago, nor do I have Direct TV (yet). So if I want to watch Bears games, I'm at the mercy of the networks, which sucks the fattest one you can imagine. Although ... if any Bears fan out there knows where I can watch a live stream of the game online and would like to fire me an email, that would be wonderful. Purely in theory though.

What has made my sweatpants bulge ferociously of late is that sweet, cuddly little Bears defense. In fact, for fun, let's recap the "running backs rendered useless" list.

LaDanian Tomlinson ... check.
Larry Johnson ... check.
Marion Barber III ... should be fun.

Granted LT is LT and still scored two TD's, but you know, whatever. Of course, the loss of Mike Brown makes me want to weep into my Gary Fencik replica jersey. But, sadly, this is nothing new. So, Danieal Manning, it's your time to shine sir. Alright, should be a good game on Sunday. Add as much clarity to the "who is the best team in the NFC" question as any Week 3 game could do. Bears are not good offensively. Yet. It will get better. Soon. My prediction ... Bears 31, Cowboys 10. That's right. 31-10. Hopefully.

Labels: Bears

Last year, when the Bears lost to the Panthers in the NFC Championship game, I cried forcefully wrote about it here. It was a post called Bears Lose. And, well, that Blows. In it, I compared the loss to having intercourse with a supermodel (sort of) and made some sort of poop/alligator comment ... it's how I cope. And while it felt like each member of the Panthers had just fired rusty shards of scrap metal into my testicles, I knew things would be ok. At the end of the post, I wrote this:

"...But hey, let's put things into perspective. The Bears may have lost the game, but mark my words: They have not lost their awesomeness. In fact, it's just the begining. This was a preview of things to come. You think Luke became a Jedi overnight? Did He-Man defeat Skeletor in one day? Did that kid who played Fez on that 70's Show get into Lindsay Lohan's pants in one afternoon? No. Their awesomeness grew over time. You think the Bears were good this year? You just wait. You'll be hiding under your bed by Week 7 next year ..."

Now they're in the Super Bowl. Can I see the future? We'll see. Prediction: Bears.

Labels: Bears, greg, Super Bowl XLI

You know what's cute? How everyone thinks the Colts and Patty Manning are going to win. It was incredible how everyone hopped on Manning's dick as soon as Indy made the Super Bowl. And while that's still the case, as the weeks have passed, the Colts bandwagon has slightly started to thin out. Yet, they are still the favorites. Check out the "SportsNation". Everything is red except for the entire state of Illinois, and a single blue dot in Massachusetts (Hi!). Of course, how can you really blame people, what with Indy's historical dominance in the postseason ... (pause, roll eyes for effect, pause a bit longer) ... And so the story continues. The Bears get no love. That's fine. Like I've said it before, I'd rather be the underdog.

So, as I read all these Super Bowl articles, from fluff pieces to game analysis to Peyton cock rubbing, there have been a bevy of "experts" who seem to have their own "How each team can win" ideas. But since I lack a pHD in "Vapid Bullshit" from ESPN University, I am probably not considered a card carrying member of the "expert" club. But I am an expert at kicking ass and wooing the ladies. So, you know, take that for what it's worth. Anyway, despite what the masses think, the Bears match up very well against the Colts. Here are a few things I think they need to do to win this game.

1. Master the Basics. Establish the run, benefit from the play action and exploit the Indy secondary, play tight, aggressive D and make sure the middle of the field isn't exposed. Of course, with all the "Dallas Clark must get involved in the middle of the field" articles, I don't think the Bears will be surprised by him. Ok, that one was easy. What else?

2. Get physical with the Indy receivers. Jam those bitches on the line. Rough them up. "Bam! Bam! Bam! All day long foot up a dog's ass." (Friday, 1995). Hopefully Manning Jr., Tillman & Co. have devoured vintage footage of Rodney Harrison putting on a "How to handle Marvin" clinic. Throwing him around like a ho who didn't have his money. Disrupt the receivers timing. Let the Bears D-Line welcome Manning to Miami the proper way.

3. Tea Bag Peyton Manning. It's all about getting into Manning's head. And I strongly believe that a salty ballbag slapped on Peyton's lips might do just that. Worth the 15 yard penalty? Probably. "Unsportsmanlike conduct. Number 96. Illegal lowering of testicles into facemask of the Walking Vagina. 15 yard penalty. 1st down." It's the little things. They sack Manning ... maybe they fire a fart into his mouth. Or maybe they just whisper sweet nothings into his ear like, "Eli is your mom's favorite." ... "I heard your dad jerked off Tom Brady with his lips" ... "I just wiped pre-cum on your towel." Things like that. Just to get him thinking.

4. Don't fuck up too much. Hold onto the ball. Tackle. Don't be stupid. "The Fundamentalios" as the Spanish say. When the Bears establish the run, play aggressive defense and take what's given to them, they win. They just have to play smart. Everyone is so "worried" about Rex Grossman all the time. But I think he'll be fine. So long as he isn't exhausted from plowing chicks all week. ESPN, of course, has to run these ridiculous and unimaginative "Who is the worst quarterback ever to lead his team to the Super Bowl?" polls. And of course, Rex Grossman is on there. Everyone seems to forget Sexy Rexy is in his first full year as a starter. And the Bears are in the fucking Super Bowl. Please, suck my dick ESPN.

5. Stop doing the "jump shot" celebration. This has nothing to do with winning or losing. More of just a general statement to the league. This is one of the most ridiculous celebrations I've ever seen. If you're going to emulate other sports, at least mix it up. Maybe pretend you're turning a double play, or firing a slapshot. Or even better, pretend you're bowling or playing darts. Can you imagine the confusion on everyone if Devin Hester runs a kickoff back for a TD and he pretends he's putting on the 18th hole in the final day of the Masters. Crouches down, lines it up. Crouches back down. Commercial break. Back to the game. Still lining up his put. Checks with Ogunleye. Crouches. Removes a piece of grass. Lines it up. Puts. That would be incredible. So please, enough with the jump shots. I know they've been dying down as of late. And I'm not like the haters of all that is fun NFL, I'm all for celebrations. Just come up with a new one. Unless it helps the Bears win. Then I don't give a shit.

Obviously, there are other things too. Mix up the defensive schemes. Confuse Patty. Don't stay in cover 2 all game, but don't overuse the nickel and be susceptible to the run. Blitz, but not too much. Don't force the ball downfield. Etc. There is more than just tea bagging Manning. But none nearly as entertaining. Unless they actually shit in his facemask, while he's wearing it. Might be a bit more than a 15 yard penalty though. Then again, maybe not.

Oh man, one more day 'till gametime. Super Bowl prediction post will be up by early afternoon Sunday.

Labels: Bears, greg, Super Bowl XLI

Sorry for the no post yesterday, but I was on the road all day. I was participating in the US Mens Heavyweight Bodybuilding competition. I thought I'd be the clear favorite to win ... but as it turns out, I ended up getting disqualified for being "too muscular". Apparently, my level of physical fitness was determined to be "superhuman" and "unattainable by other mortals" whatever that means. Anyway, here's this dude ended up winning. I totally had this thing.

Anyway, all night last night I kept dreaming about the Bears. It's weird, I know. I'm such a loser. But it's true. And it wasn't one of those normal dreams either, where the Bears win the Super Bowl and I'm at the game and suddenly they point to me in the stands. Then I look around, acting all confused, then point at myself and say, "Me?" And they say, "Yeah" and wave me down to the field. Then I get up, shake the hands of the Mexican family sitting next to me, then mount a dragon that was tied to the back of my chair. I ride down to the field as the stadium fills with cheers and the comforting melody of "The Final Coundown". Then I get to hold up the trophy, throw on a Gary Fencik replica jersey and make out with a completely nude, 18 ft. Jessica Alba while the King of Spain and the Super Mario Brothers applaud from the luxury boxes. No, I didn't have a dream like that at all. Instead, I had weird dreams.

I wish I was making this up ... But I had this one dream last night where I was in a magazine store trying to get the clerk to sell me a Beckett Fantasy Baseball Guide, only he wouldn't. I remember being annoyed and in a rush because the Super Bowl was about to start. He ended up selling it to me for $2.90 (yes, $2.90 ... I don't know why), but told me his last copy was being reserved so he had to order it and it wouldn't be in for 2-5 weeks. Next thing I know, I'm in a department store buying cufflinks. I'm also panicked because the Bears game started an hour ago. And I'm buying fucking CUFFLINKS?!?!!? Only I don't know why.

So I'm buying the stupid cufflinks, hastily trying them on. (By the way, the only time I've ever worn cufflinks is at weddings and on international spy missions. But whatever. And when one purchases them, I don't think there's any trying-of-them-on, is there? I imagine one just points and says, "I'll take those.") Luckily, in this dream, this men's department store had a flatscreen TV showing the game. Only it wasn't the Bears. It was the Bengals vs. the Lions. I remember being completely bullshit at FOX for not showing the Bears game and opting for this one. Even though it was the Super Bowl. "Stupid local game", I said in my dream. But I live in Boston. I don't know, you figure it out.

Suddenly the dream jumped to Bears highlights. They were playing the Packers and they had just stripped Ahman Green of the football. The ball went out of bounds, yet they still gave it to the Bears. Weird. But you know how dreams are. One minute you're banging three supermodels, the next minute you on a spaceship with Boris Yeltsin eating hummus.

Anyway, this went on for, what felt like, hours. Anxious moments, Bears highlights, Beckett fantasy guides, cufflinks ... WTF? Very, very bizarre night. I don't know what that means except that I should probably stop reading so many Bears articles. Or maybe just stop eating Doritos in bed at 2 in the morning. Oh man, I can only imagine how I'm gonna be on Sunday.

Labels: Bears, greg, Super Bowl XLI

Ok, so I'm watching this video, which is very good (give it a minute or so to get going, seriously). And I get to the end. The very last frame, the author of the video has a sentence pop up on the screen. I'm not going to lie ... I got a little excited ... since if you look at the first post of our "Most Popular" (over there on the right) you'll see where it originated. Pretty cool. Watch the video. Fast forward to the end if you want to see what I'm talking about. But the video is, in fact good. A bit disjointed at the start like it doesn't know where it wants to go. But then it will pump you up so vigorously, you'll want to go tackle wildlife. Seriously. And look for the end. I really was surprised ... and all giddy like a douche ... all at the same time.

***UPDATE: I apologize that this video is no longer available. Apparently, the NFL doesn't like people getting pumped up about their favorite teams. They also seem to be against celebration, joviality and fun. So, whatever. It was a good video. Light punch to the cheek to whoever put this video together. Way to go, Tiger.

Labels: Bears, greg

Sorry for the no post yesterday. I was still a little bit amped up from the win on Sunday. All day, all I did was scream out "Bears!!!" and try and rub my erection on anything that moved. Probably a bad day to decide to go to the aquarium. By the way, did you know that most aquariums have a "you cum on it, you keep it" policy? So if anyone is in the market for 2 (slightly confused) penguins or a sand tiger shark, email me. Anyway, if I tried to post anything yesterday, it would have been happiness and bonerification organized into a collection of awkward, misspelled words. Which I guess isn't too far off from my usual nonsensical ramblings. Either way, I was still in a little bit of hangover mode. So, you know, whatever.

Anyway, that was a crazy AFC game Sunday night, eh? Incredible to see ARod Patty Manning grow a set of man balls and finally beat the Pats. Early on, though, when he threw that INT to Samuel, I found myself just shrugging and saying, "This fucking guy ... Unbelievable." Not that I gave a flying shit either way, other than the fact that I was a little tired of the Patriots winning. But it was just mind boggling how utterly terrible Manning was in the playoffs. That is, until they were down by 18. Of course, hopefully he got the heroics out his system, and Urlacher & Co. will be fisting him vigorously by the end of the 1st quarter a week from Sunday. Sentences like that last one ... that's pretty much why the ladies love me. I'm romantic.

Of course, now the talk is the Colts are going to win the whole thing. I mean, seriously? That's the angle now? For YEARS it was "Manning sucks. Manning can't win." And he finally has ONE good game in the playoff and now the Colts are favorite? Hey, that's fine with me. Keep the Bears hungry. It's not like the "experts" know what they're talking about anyway. Oh, and what was with the pre-game talk about the Brady/Manning "friendship". Anyone catch that? I don't believe that for one second. For being pals, Brady sure ran off the field pretty quick. I didn't see him wait around to congratulate any of the Colts, especially Manning. Then again, when you have Giselle Bundshcnshenen in the dressing room waiting to be plowed ... I'd probably scurry off too. "We lost? Oh well. Gotta go."

Anyway, in case you couldn't tell, I'm just talking about nothing right about now. This will probably happen a lot over the next two weeks. Just mindless chatter about the Bears and my genitals and maybe baseball or, you know, whatever. Hey, did you know the Bears are in the Super Bowl? Yeah, just wanted to say that again.

Labels: Bears, greg, Super Bowl XLI

Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. The best game the Bears have played in months. Anyone still want Brian Griese to start? ... Didn't think so. So pumped right now. Speaking in fragments. Bears win. Super Bowl XLI ... we're coming.

P.S. Bernard Berrian is my hero.

39-14. NFC CHAMPIONS. Boner time.

Labels: Bears, greg, Super Bowl XLI

Bears fans, here's something to get you a little pumpered up. Found this on the ol' You Tube. Complimentary reach around to whoever put this together. Video quality is a tad blurry, but the music choice was excellent. GO BEARS!

Labels: Bears, greg

Let's celebrate the 2nd round with some "predictions".

Colts vs. Ravens: Sometimes, I like to imagine what players are thinking during game situations. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but every time I see Manning flapping his arms and pointing like a lunatic I think to myself, "The Colts must hate him." When he changes the play at the line every time, Reggie Wayne & Co. must be like, "(Sigh)... What's this muthafucka saying now? 388-Stunt-what? It's 9 degrees and I can't hear shit. I hate this guy." I'm not quite sure why they even huddle. Either way, I'm just really looking forward to watching those commercials with the home videos of Peyton running around as a child again. You know, where he's wearing a Cowboy hat, chasing after his brothers. Yeah. I've seen them so many times, I think they're my own home videos. But those usually involve me wearing a see-through thong, converse high tops and a "Free Breast Exams" t-shirt. That's a story for another day. As for the Ravens, I just can't help feel that they're a little overrated. I'm probably wrong and they'll bore us to death in another Super Bowl. But hopefully Peyton can strap on a pair and actually have a good game. I'll go out on a limb here. Prediction: Colts.

Patriots vs. Chargers: I know it's the Chargers, who are arguably the best team in the NFL. But it's Marty Schottenheimer. In the playoffs. Where he stinks. Vigorously. And who's he playing? Oh look, Tom Brady and Bill Belichik. Lucky him. Maybe Marty will surprise everyone and run the ball. This is a tough game to call. But we just need another Indy/NE matchup, don't we? This time the Colts would have home-field, and Adam Vinitieri. Of course, that only means we'll see SD/BAL. As for this game, if it were in New England, I'd say 80% chance the Pats win. Since it's in SD, I'd say 60/40. Prediction: Patriots.

Eagles vs. Saints: Drew Brees blah blah blah. Marques Colston is good, etc. Poop joke. Hey look it's Reggie Bush!!! More words, insight, gossip. Eagles injuries. Sentences filled with analysis. Joke. Jeff Garcia football leather chaps Lito Shephard more words. Observations. More words. Female genitalia. Prediction: Saints.

Seahawks vs. Bears: Hear that? Those are the nervous shits lowering themselves into my ass cavity, prepping themselves for launch. Make no mistake, they're coming. I may seem calm now. But come Sunday, I'll be pacing the room like a caged animal, farting anxiously, hoping I don't spray the inside of my Tommy Harris glow-in-the-dark boxers. I'm going to be a mess. There's no denying it. And this is just the Seahawks. Either way the Bears should win. There's my in depth analysis. But here's a question ... where was Devin Hester on the NFL ROY of the Year balloting? You know, spry young fella, 2nd round draft pick out of Miami. Set a new NFL record for kickoff returns. Fast enough to outrun most spaceships. So, where was he? Oh, what's that you say? ... nowhere? Not a single vote? Awesome. He scored 6 TD's this year. Tied for most on the Bears. One more than Tiki Barber. I guess Special Teams doesn't count. As payback, Hester should run one back on Sunday and have sex with an actual seahawk in the endzone. As in, the bird. Obviously he'd have to wear those giant leather gloves for protection. But that would be great. If, you know, you're into that sort of stuff. Which I may or may not be. Prediction: Bears.

Labels: Bears, greg, NFL