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No foreplay today. Just, you know, predictions. Which is like intercourse. Only with words. And less crying.

Patriots vs. Colts: Here we go again. Patriots. Manning. Hype. Replays from yesteryear. And drama. Definitely drama. Because the Patriots are Peyton Manning's kryptonite. Well, that, along with maybe winning big playoff games, playing well under pressure and controlling chin acne. Many kryptonites, but for the most part, it's the Patriots. And I think it's finally going to end. This Patriots magic has to stop sometime, doesn't it? This is the weakest Patriots team in years. The Colts have finally established a running game. They have two of the best WR's in football. And their defense is angry. Plus, Tony Dungy needs to win one sometime, doesn't he? Peyton Manning actually has to have a good playoff game sometime, right? So why not this year? The Colts don't quite deserve to have made it this far. But neither did the Patriots. But guess who has Vinatieri this time? Gostoskskonski blows the game, Manning drives them down, Vinatieri wins it. That's how the story needs to end. By the way ... Do you think when Peyton Manning saw that Patriots won last week, he just clenched his teeth and stared at the TV in silence as a single tear rolled down his cheek? Then he got up, went to the garage, huffed some paint thinner and watched a snuff film to unwind. I don't know about you, but that's how it played out in my head. Prediction: Colts

Saints vs. Bears: Ok, I know what happened last year in Louisiana was horrible, and the Saints were a remarkably terrible team. But, if the Saints weren't from New Orleans ... say they were from Akron ... would everyone be predicting them to win? Or would they just be the dome team with the lousy defense and the good QB coming to Chicago to play the #1 team in the NFC, outside. I'm just curious. And predictably, of all the ESPN "experts", none of them like the Bears. Not a single one. Well, John Clayton does. And the Accuscore computer. But that's it. Of course, the computer gets a column in the chart, but not Clayton. Probably because the computer doesn't look like a lizard with hepatitis. Also, far be it from Clayton (who is probably their best NFL analyst) to know as much as the genius "experts" like Sean Salisbury and Mark Schereth. So here's the question. Why did they all pick the Saints to win? Here are your choices:

a. Rex Grossman. Oh he's crazy. Which Grossman will show up? Honk! Honk!
b. The Saints are the hot bandwagon team.
c. Everyone at ESPN is a douche bag.
d. Other predictable nonsense that involve them talking out of their assholes.
e. All of the above.

You are right. The correct answer is (C). Everyone at ESPN is a douche bag (except for the Accuscore Computer ... good guy). I tell you what, I'm glad everyone is on their bandwagon and not ours. It was getting kind of crowded for a while. And can we please stop talking about Grossman. He's fine. The true weakness of the Bears is their lack of a run-stopping presence in the middle without Mike Brown and Tommy Harris. Two huge injuries that would have crippled most teams. Yet, here are the Bears, in the Championship game. And this one might be a shootout. And my money is on Grossman. So enjoy your stay in Chicago, Mrs. Brees, Bush, Colston and McAllister. I hope you brought your mittens. Prediction: Bears

Labels: greg, NFL, predictions

Let's celebrate the 2nd round with some "predictions".

Colts vs. Ravens: Sometimes, I like to imagine what players are thinking during game situations. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but every time I see Manning flapping his arms and pointing like a lunatic I think to myself, "The Colts must hate him." When he changes the play at the line every time, Reggie Wayne & Co. must be like, "(Sigh)... What's this muthafucka saying now? 388-Stunt-what? It's 9 degrees and I can't hear shit. I hate this guy." I'm not quite sure why they even huddle. Either way, I'm just really looking forward to watching those commercials with the home videos of Peyton running around as a child again. You know, where he's wearing a Cowboy hat, chasing after his brothers. Yeah. I've seen them so many times, I think they're my own home videos. But those usually involve me wearing a see-through thong, converse high tops and a "Free Breast Exams" t-shirt. That's a story for another day. As for the Ravens, I just can't help feel that they're a little overrated. I'm probably wrong and they'll bore us to death in another Super Bowl. But hopefully Peyton can strap on a pair and actually have a good game. I'll go out on a limb here. Prediction: Colts.

Patriots vs. Chargers: I know it's the Chargers, who are arguably the best team in the NFL. But it's Marty Schottenheimer. In the playoffs. Where he stinks. Vigorously. And who's he playing? Oh look, Tom Brady and Bill Belichik. Lucky him. Maybe Marty will surprise everyone and run the ball. This is a tough game to call. But we just need another Indy/NE matchup, don't we? This time the Colts would have home-field, and Adam Vinitieri. Of course, that only means we'll see SD/BAL. As for this game, if it were in New England, I'd say 80% chance the Pats win. Since it's in SD, I'd say 60/40. Prediction: Patriots.

Eagles vs. Saints: Drew Brees blah blah blah. Marques Colston is good, etc. Poop joke. Hey look it's Reggie Bush!!! More words, insight, gossip. Eagles injuries. Sentences filled with analysis. Joke. Jeff Garcia football leather chaps Lito Shephard more words. Observations. More words. Female genitalia. Prediction: Saints.

Seahawks vs. Bears: Hear that? Those are the nervous shits lowering themselves into my ass cavity, prepping themselves for launch. Make no mistake, they're coming. I may seem calm now. But come Sunday, I'll be pacing the room like a caged animal, farting anxiously, hoping I don't spray the inside of my Tommy Harris glow-in-the-dark boxers. I'm going to be a mess. There's no denying it. And this is just the Seahawks. Either way the Bears should win. There's my in depth analysis. But here's a question ... where was Devin Hester on the NFL ROY of the Year balloting? You know, spry young fella, 2nd round draft pick out of Miami. Set a new NFL record for kickoff returns. Fast enough to outrun most spaceships. So, where was he? Oh, what's that you say? ... nowhere? Not a single vote? Awesome. He scored 6 TD's this year. Tied for most on the Bears. One more than Tiki Barber. I guess Special Teams doesn't count. As payback, Hester should run one back on Sunday and have sex with an actual seahawk in the endzone. As in, the bird. Obviously he'd have to wear those giant leather gloves for protection. But that would be great. If, you know, you're into that sort of stuff. Which I may or may not be. Prediction: Bears.

Labels: Bears, greg, NFL

Great quote from Vince Wilfork. This was in reference to his astute pickup of a deflected "lateral" yesterday against the Jets and almost running it back for a touchdown.

"How many yards did I go?'' Wilfork asked reporters. "Thirty-one? A lot of guys would have done the same thing if they were where I was. I'm a pretty good athlete, and I always like to do stuff other than playing nose tackle. But I was like, 'Man, that's a long way (meaning the end zone). Is it a touchdown yet?' I had to turn on the jets. Two hours later, still no touchdown.''

That was almost as good as Belichick angrily shoving a camera man out of the way to "hug" his old friend "Eric" Mangini after the game. It was a tender embrace that didn't look awkward or uncomfortable at all. Of course, so much was made out of the sudden dislike between these two that the hug was kind of like Hulk Hogan holding up the Macho Man's hand after beating him in a title match. "He fought hard and someday we might be friends again" the gesture is meant to symbolize. So, maybe that's what it means for these two old pals. Then again, maybe I don't care. Yeah, that's probably it.

P.S. The Manning sisters looked awful in the playoffs ... what a surprise.

Labels: greg, NFL

There are a few things in life that give me an instant erection. Obviously, boobies and vajay-jay's come to mind as immediate qualifiers. Also listed under "boner inducing" would be the Yankees winning the World Series, Michigan winning a national title, the Bears winning the Super Bowl and the Celtics or Bruins winning more than 9 games. Of course, also on the list (but more towards the bottom) would be Monica Seles eating skittles, prostitutes playing RC Pro-AM and brisk Fall breezes (it's a long list). But, what would really throw the front of my sweatpants into a whirlwind of chaos would be scoring Bears tickets for Sunday's game against the Patriots at Foxboro Stadium. So by that logic (and this is about to get awkward), I have a rather impressive boner right now. Why? Because through complete luck, I was able to get two tickets. So, my friends, I am going to watch the Bears play the Patriots this weekend. Live. Oh glorious, glorious day!

So I figure I'll write about it. Sometime next week, I'll recap my experience. Not to spoil what must be incredible suspense already building, it will probably go something like this. "I got there. I drank beer. I urinated upwards of 30 times. The Bears won." Of course, I'll be sure to sneak in a few genitalia and/or diarrhea joke along the way. I might even take some pictures. Of course, none will be of me, since I like to stay shrouded in a ninja-like cloud of mystery and awesomeness. But it'll be fun. So, you know, Bears stuff. Next week. If you give a rats shit.

By the way, has this ever happened to you? You're sitting on your couch writing a mindless post on your sports-themed blog, eating a delicious snack. Then sometime later, after your snack is finished, you look down at your shirt and see what appears to be a piece of food on it. So you mindlessly pick it up and just put it in your mouth. Then when you start chewing it you realize it tastes nothing like anything you've eaten in the past five years. Do you ever get that "Hmm, I really hope that was food and not pigeon shit I just ate" panic? Yeah, me neither. That totally never happened about 5 minutes ago. I was just making conversation.

Labels: football, greg, NFL