Thursday, January 11, 2007
Yeah, See Ya.
Randy Johnson is gone. Finally.And why would I, a huge Yankee fan, be happy to see him go? Because, put simply, Randy David Arbuckle Old Spice Johnson III sucked horse shit. Not since the fall of Kevin Maas had I been this annoyed with any Yankees player (although the postseason A-Rod has been making his case). And when it came to the handsomely mustached Johnson, there were many reasons for my disdain.
First, the Yankees chose to sign RJ after the 2004 season. Why does that matter? Well, with Steinbrenner's unlubed fist firmly entrenched in his asshole, Cashman inked Johnson and immediately declared the Yankees out of the running for Carlos Beltran. A brilliant move, oozing with cunning and foresight for the future of the team. Especially considering they had the young, spry Bernie Williams out in CF, doing his best not to look like Morgan Freeman. So signing (or at least attempting to sign)arguably the best all-around center fielder in baseball, instead of a creepy giant, probably made too much sense. That's not to say I don't love Williams (I do) or that the Yankees would have definitely signed Beltran, but they "settled" for Johnson. While I blame Steinbrenner, Randy also deserves some of the collateral scorn here.
Now in all fairness, yes, the Yankees did "need" another starter. And Randy did have a mullet and an impressive resume. So in theory signing him was all fine and great. Except for the fact that Johnson was 89 years old. And boy did it work out swell. I mean, the Yankees could have signed anyone to go out and give up 8 runs a clip to the Blue Jays. Here was the most dominant left-hander since Koufax getting donkey punched by the likes of Russ Adams. So every five days, he'd head out to the mound, engulfed in mediocrity, and ultimately tax the bullpen. As the runs went up, he'd just stand there on the mound, slumping like a superhero who's lost his powers. When the camera would zoom in, you'd see him sporting the same look on his face that a monkey gets when you try to teach it Spanish.
It should also be mentioned that
2005 ALDS vs. LAA: 0-1, 7.1 IP (2 games), 6.14 ERA, 1 BB, 4 K
2006 ALDS vs. DET: 0-1, 5.2 IP (1 games), 7.94 ERA, 2 BB, 4 K
Pretty fucking sweet numbers, right? Yeah.
Anyway, I could go on for another 3,000 words. But the experiment is over and Randy "not Carlos Beltran" Johnson is heading back to Arizona. And some might argue, "but 2005 wasn't completely terrible, right?" And while a quick glance at the stats would lead some non-Yankee fans to agree, a guy like Randy Johnson comes with certain expectations. Most of those center around the word "dominance". A 3.75 ERA isn't exactly that. And 2006? I've seen buckets filled with prostitute vomit look better than his stats.
So while I would have liked the trade a lot more (from a sheer player perspective) if they got Dustin Nippert in that deal instead of Ross Ohlendorf, I was happy with it. The Yankees are making smart moves, subtracting, not adding in this crazy offseason. Rebuilding the minors. And while I would have loved Conor Jackson (never happening), getting the stench of RJ's old ballbag out of that clubhouse was victory enough. And replacing him with Andy Pettite (one of my all-time favorites), well, that's simply boner inducing. That's like replacing bleeding hemorrhoids with cotton candy and sunshine. And I like sunshine. I also like when the Yankees win the World Series. Maybe this will help.
