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No foreplay today. Just, you know, predictions. Which is like intercourse. Only with words. And less crying.

Patriots vs. Colts: Here we go again. Patriots. Manning. Hype. Replays from yesteryear. And drama. Definitely drama. Because the Patriots are Peyton Manning's kryptonite. Well, that, along with maybe winning big playoff games, playing well under pressure and controlling chin acne. Many kryptonites, but for the most part, it's the Patriots. And I think it's finally going to end. This Patriots magic has to stop sometime, doesn't it? This is the weakest Patriots team in years. The Colts have finally established a running game. They have two of the best WR's in football. And their defense is angry. Plus, Tony Dungy needs to win one sometime, doesn't he? Peyton Manning actually has to have a good playoff game sometime, right? So why not this year? The Colts don't quite deserve to have made it this far. But neither did the Patriots. But guess who has Vinatieri this time? Gostoskskonski blows the game, Manning drives them down, Vinatieri wins it. That's how the story needs to end. By the way ... Do you think when Peyton Manning saw that Patriots won last week, he just clenched his teeth and stared at the TV in silence as a single tear rolled down his cheek? Then he got up, went to the garage, huffed some paint thinner and watched a snuff film to unwind. I don't know about you, but that's how it played out in my head. Prediction: Colts

Saints vs. Bears: Ok, I know what happened last year in Louisiana was horrible, and the Saints were a remarkably terrible team. But, if the Saints weren't from New Orleans ... say they were from Akron ... would everyone be predicting them to win? Or would they just be the dome team with the lousy defense and the good QB coming to Chicago to play the #1 team in the NFC, outside. I'm just curious. And predictably, of all the ESPN "experts", none of them like the Bears. Not a single one. Well, John Clayton does. And the Accuscore computer. But that's it. Of course, the computer gets a column in the chart, but not Clayton. Probably because the computer doesn't look like a lizard with hepatitis. Also, far be it from Clayton (who is probably their best NFL analyst) to know as much as the genius "experts" like Sean Salisbury and Mark Schereth. So here's the question. Why did they all pick the Saints to win? Here are your choices:

a. Rex Grossman. Oh he's crazy. Which Grossman will show up? Honk! Honk!
b. The Saints are the hot bandwagon team.
c. Everyone at ESPN is a douche bag.
d. Other predictable nonsense that involve them talking out of their assholes.
e. All of the above.

You are right. The correct answer is (C). Everyone at ESPN is a douche bag (except for the Accuscore Computer ... good guy). I tell you what, I'm glad everyone is on their bandwagon and not ours. It was getting kind of crowded for a while. And can we please stop talking about Grossman. He's fine. The true weakness of the Bears is their lack of a run-stopping presence in the middle without Mike Brown and Tommy Harris. Two huge injuries that would have crippled most teams. Yet, here are the Bears, in the Championship game. And this one might be a shootout. And my money is on Grossman. So enjoy your stay in Chicago, Mrs. Brees, Bush, Colston and McAllister. I hope you brought your mittens. Prediction: Bears

Labels: greg, NFL, predictions